Top 10 Scariest Places To Be

Halloween is almost here, so the usual images of grimacing pumpkins, witches, gushing blood and ghosts easily spring to mind. These ideas of scary are what make the holiday fun, but they are not real and we know that once the trick-or-treaters retire for the night, we can put on our sweats and begin the second best thing about Halloween -- the pig out. 

However, fear is alive and well all year long, causing the stomachs of even the most calm personalities to lurch from time to time. Sometimes the scariest place you can be is in your own life when out of nowhere, horror comes at you.

Think about it. You shake, you sweat, your blood runs cold, and at that moment, you realize that sometimes a zombie trying to eat your face doesn't seem so bad. 

I have compiled a list of some of these moments. While I'm sure that Alexander Hamilton was referring to guns, oftentimes hindsight gained from the experience of others (and in the form of a list) is the most powerful weapon:

"The best we can hope for concerning the people at large, is that they are properly armed." -- Alexander Hamilton

                                                                                                      

10.  At a Halloween Party with Kanye West after winning "Best Costume". You are trying to say thank you to everyone for voting for your "Taylor Swift Wins a Grammy" outfit, when you see a large shadow creeping up from behind.

9.  In the kitchen of a woman who just bought $200 worth of milk and groceries at the same moment you hear that the "Storm of the Century" has just changed direction and you will be spared the three feet of snow you were originally promised. Your sigh of relief is drowned out by a blood curdling scream and loud banging.

8.  At the punch bowl at the end of the day, after being chewed out at work and dumped by your girlfriend in front of everyone at the party. You're lifting your glass to your lips and thinking, "At least I can numb the pain", when you hear that the host has decided that after twelve years, he's making a fresh start as a sober man and your "punch" is truly just Hawaiian.

7.  In your own head when after listening to:

Uncle: "What did you wear to Comic Con?"

Nephew: "Dr. Who."

Uncle: "Who is Dr. Who?"                                            

Nephew: "No. Who is The Doctor."

Uncle: "That's what I asked. Who is Dr. Who?"

Nephew (shaking head in disgust) "No. Stop it. Who is The Doctor."

Round and round, till you realize that that conversation is the modern version of "Who's On First". You shudder at the thought that not only are you old enough to recognize it, but you could recite it back for clarification.

6.  At Starbucks. In the drive-thru behind eight cars because you were too lazy to park and walk three feet into the shop. And they just ran out of espresso. Who knew that caffeine deprivation could wake the walking dead?

5.  In front of any small child in the seasonal section of Target when his mom's battery dies on her iPhone. His favorite game has disappeared from the screen and Mom has forgotten the emergency supply of french fries to stuff in his mouth when he starts whimpering, then whining, then shrieking... #MakeItStop

4.  At the same costume party as Miley Cyrus. She's twerking six feet away from you...and you came as a sledgehammer. 

    

3.  In a New Mexico desert outside of a battered RV after seeing a tweet that claims that "Science is cool if you do it right! #ChemistryClub. Five cars with armed men surround you. As your bladder lets go, you find out that the tweeter, @WW thought that hashtagging Breaking Bad might alert the NSA.

2.  Standing in front of a white van with its back doors open. After several attempts to get your kids off the playground, you sigh, finally resort to bribery, and yell, "Kids! C'mon! I've got candy over here! Let's go!"

1.  On social media while Mercury is in retrograde and everyone's a bit cray cray about politics. C'mon people! Let's get it together! Sometimes a Teabagger is just a guy who shouldn't be sitting on the good couch.

 CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

 You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO

5 Things That Made Me LOL

For the past few months, I've laughed as much as possible each day. No matter what else goes on regarding money, relationships, or any other challenges I run into, I've been blessed with a great sense of humor and three comedians that happen to live in my house. Sometimes the fun comes from outside forces, but even then, I know I can go home and share it with people who appreciate what really matters- the crazy joy of the belly laugh.

When you're looking for something, it shows up everywhere:

1. I woke early on Sunday morning, surprised that the school year had already taken effect and that sleeping in past 7:30am would be an impossibility, even on the weekend. I stumbled down the hall, looking for other creatures of habit, awake and restless with boredom. I found no signs of life, but I did find a sign:
 

2.We went to the supermarket with a $20 budget for dinner. Max and Bella decided to share frozen chicken tenders, my oldest daughter, Ali, chose a California Pizza Kitchen cheese pie, and I got a bunch of vegetables to saute for myself. After scarfing down the pizza at 4:30pm, Ali stood close to my shoulder, watching me chop the veggies and chattering away at me.

When I was ready to eat, she asked, "Can I take some vegetables?"
I said, "No, you decided on frozen pizza and you watched me prepare everything without offering to help at all."

Fifteen minutes later, she asked again and got the same response. Ali paused, and then said, "Mom, you're my least favorite because you won't give me vegetables." My fourteen year old son was walking by the kitchen and added, "Said no kid ever."


3. In our house there is the athlete (youngest daughter), the artist (middle son), and the drama queen (oldest daughter). As you can imagine, the oldest is one of those people who is completely over the top. It could be the fact that she's a Scorpio, but I'm betting on it being because she's a teenager who is really into drama. The theater kind. On stage.

She and my son are pretty close. They chose lockers at school near each other and hit the deli up in the morning for breakfast. Word on the street is that my freshman even has a date for the senior prom, one of her friends. I'm pretty happy with the fact that Ali is not embarrassed to hang out with her younger sibling.

Max left this pic off of ASK FM

As I type, they are cooking dinner for themselves and rapping Lip Gloss by 'Lil Mama, when Ali suddenly gets serious.

Ali: "Max are you going to join the Musical?"
Max: "No."
Ali: "Why not? It'll be fun. And I'll be doing it with you."
Max: "I don't want to."
Ali: (Holding him by his shirt collar, gritting her teeth, and growling): "If you don't join the Musical, I will wait until we're older, sneak into your house, and kill your firstborn."

Intense much?


4. Bella's superpower is getting other people to do for her what she should do for herself. I've caught myself getting sucked in from time to time, but as part of my 2013 New Year's Resolutions, I vowed to build up an immunity to her powers of persuasion. That and I think that my contract for cleaning ear wax was up in 2007.

After scarfing down an apple and twenty pizza rolls, my very active eighth grader was still hungry. She asked me to warm up some leftover egg noodles for her, but I stayed strong...and I was busy. She pouted and asked me again.

This time I was annoyed that she was throwing her baby face around. "No Belle. And stop asking me. Do it yourself."

She never got up from the couch (where no doubt Sam and Cat were holding her hostage and keeping her from warming up her own food) but made eye contact with Ali, who was across from her on the other couch, watching the exchange.

With a straight face Bella said, "Ya know, the help is here is sooo bad."


5. This morning, Max and I were getting ready together. He just got a haircut which means that he's obsessed with the mirror, probably because some anonymous peeps posted that he's "hot" on some new social kid zone thing called ASK FM, after he uploaded some selfies.

We were sharing the mirror in the bathroom because it is large enough to accommodate me putting on make up, but not him spraying hairspray that had nowhere to go but in my mouth. After I stopped choking and was able to breathe again, I tried to reason with him.

Me: "Max, that's a lot of hairspray you're using there. You don't have long hair like the girls. You shouldn't have to use that much."
Max: "Mom, If I don't use enough, then my hair just falls."
Me: "I'm convinced that you are contributing to the destruction of the ozone layer and climate change. The next time a Hurricane Sandy-type storm hits, and thousands of people are without homes and power again, I'm pointing a finger..."
Max (defensively): "Well I wouldn't use it like that if my hair wasn't all like, 'Style me', and I wasn't all like, 'OK'".

Click here to read 5 MORE THINGS THAT MADE ME LOL:
  http://simplystick.blogspot.com/2014/12/5-more-things-that-made-me-lol.html

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at http://hopress-shorehousebooks.com/cf-winn/  or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE.  

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

FOLLOW me on Twitter, Facebook, Google +, and CF_Winn on Instagram.

9/11 DO OVER

I know that the time I was hit by a drunk driver and didn't die, I was given a second chance. After my hospital stay I should have looked at life differently, but the  truth is, I was already very happy, grateful, and living every day to the fullest. Once I received the legal settlement though, I erased all my debt and got a used car and remained financially stable till I had kids and bought a house...ah, the American dream.

Today, many conversations went on about the attacks that happened twelve years ago, not far from where I still live. I heard the reconstruction of Ground Zero referred to as a "second chance"; an opportunity to build a stronger, greener, more welcoming building. It's being called "Super Tower", now environmentally compatible, thus ensuring a cleaner, longer life for our ancestors, more  ascetically beautiful than the first design was, and built with a concrete base, many layers of reinforced steel, and wider stairwells; finally an edifice capable of saving those that were tragically lost if we were ever to be attacked again.

I started thinking about second chances that I have been given, and besides the accident with the drunk driver, the only other thing that came to mind was my miscarriage. It is only recently that I started talking about it. Until now, there was a handful of people that knew that there was supposed to be a fourth child. I spent twenty years blaming myself for her death, and when I got pregnant with my daughter Ali, I viewed it as a chance to be a better mother and to carry her to term. I endured painful hormone shots because I vowed to do whatever it took to protect the miracle I was blessed with. 

In the end, I went on to have two more healthy children and have appreciated the do overs every single day, no matter how much we all get on each other's nerves. In that respect, I too was a "Super Tower"...better and stronger and more protective of those I house.

All afternoon, I listened to the public commemorate 9/11 by honoring those who lost their lives and those who jumped up to help without thinking about their own safety. There were many tears shed and they caused me to come upon a hard truth that lives deep within my soul...Or maybe I just expect too much from my fellow man. 

While it is so very nice to be remembered in death and to be forever loved, if I were the one watching you from above, I would rather see that I meant something, than to hear it through mournful speeches laced with paralyzing grief. Memorials are beautiful gestures made, but buildings and ponds and flowers only have meaning if they are enjoyed every day by the joyful as well as those of us trying to find solace. 

The people on Flight 93 gave up their lives to save ours. If I were them, I'd haunt anyone who couldn't see that every day is the do over that they weren't given because they gave it to all of us instead. Our loved ones don't want to see us crying and suffering, they want to see us laughing and smiling and happy to be here.

When I wake up on September 12th, I vow to make their lives and deaths count. I will keep the victims of the 9/11 attacks in my thoughts when I decide to do more of what I want to do, instead of what I have to do. When I smile, I will smile for them, but also for myself, because I have been blessed with the opportunity to do so. I will take a chance and do something out of my comfort zone because I may not have enough time to do the big things on my bucket list, and I need to go out knowing that I took a chance or two. I will be more patient with those around me, (even the fast food workers who think that "No cheese" is code for: "Give me all the cheese in the restaurant") because the one person that could tic me off with their bad driving or dirty look might be part of a group of people that I may collectively mourn with the rest of the world some day...or they could mourn me.

And when I shut my eyes as I go to bed on September 12th, I promise that I will look forward to the 13th and every day after that, because I didn't know any of these victims before 9/11, but now I can't help but know each and every one of them as we are all connected. Although the reason behind the attacks was horrific, the terrorists as well as those lost brought us together. It would be disrespectful to not try and keep it that way when there is no crowd, no speech, and no constant replay of the event that got us here in the first place.

What will you do for the ones you have been left with to love?

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, is published by Shorehouse Books and has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

You can now order SUKI in paperback on Amazon or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com or by calling (631) 271-1442. Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html
More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced to endure a nomadic existence.

 

12 Mains That #MileyMakesOutWith

Don't be surprised if in updated versions of Trivial Pursuit, questions about this year's VMA's abound in the Entertainment Category. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked to learn that they added a new grouping of "Most Distasteful News Items". 

Everyone is going crazy because Miley Cyrus seems to have grown out of her Disney pants. After what I've seen, I'm happy that she wearing any at all. 

Her costumes and antics are like the sideshow at a circus...she's the ringleader, all decked out in ponytails not seen since the 90's rave scene, when wearing Hello Kitty tees meant they were serving up an extra shot of love with your ecstasy hits. She surrounds herself with twerking dwarves, partygoers working the "lines" in the bathroom, and inanimate objects of her affection: things like giant Teddy Bears riding her back and sledgehammers, and still we can't help but watch.

Back in the day, the Bearded Lady and Siamese Twins were considered repulsive, but crowds flocked to the canvas tents and offered up pennies in the hopes of gaining admittance anyway.

Since then, electrolysis and surgery to separate conjoined twins have become commonplace, and we've gradually turned to outlandish behavior for our entertainment. 

In the past, posing nude for Playboy was all the scandal, but once we adapted, we grew bored and attacking the paparazzi became the new sideshow. People like Chris Brown pushed the envelope with his anger management issues, but he opened up the door for reality shows to come busting through. "The Real Housewives of Wherever Seems The Most Volatile And Able To Get Us Ratings" and "The Jersey Shore" took us to a new high (low?) and thanks to them, kids everywhere are now fluent in a new kind of coordination: being able throw trash talk and fists at the same time.

The subjects have become more attractive, but their actions and vocabulary have become more and more cray. While we say we're turned off by it all, we can't help but search and click and then talk it to death even though our brains are bleeding and screaming for stimulation of a different sort.

I am no exception and Mylie Cyrus knows it. She wags her tongue at the camera, and I'm sure she's mocking me, challenging me to write it down, in order to keep the public talking about her. Tweeps have begun asking all Barbies that have felt victimized by Mylie Cyrus to raise their hands. 

Damn, she's good...

Without further ado, I bring you the topic of the day, not only in list form, but hashtagged for your posting convenience:

#MileyMakesOutWith:

1.Madonna because "a Britney song was on"

2.Amanda Bynes because "there's a voice inside my head"

3.Snooki because when I'm with her and there's "red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere" soon "all I see are stilettos"

4.Smurfs because "we can make some magic"

5.Kim Kardashian because I got a thing for "home girls here with the big butt"

6.A Sledgehammer because "nobody's perfect, I gotta work it, again and again, 'til I get it right"

7.Taylor Swift because we both "go through guys like money
flyin' out the hands"

8.Kim Jong Un because "I never meant to start a war"

9.Anthony Weiner because he's "so hard with my girls"

10.The Twerking Dwarf because even though "you'll never reach it, it's all about the climb"

11.Loco Hot Cocoa because dang flabbit, even though " I can get a bit crazy" I love "getting turned up"

12.Liam Hemsworth because whether or not it's true, "It's my mouth, I can say what I want to"

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.


You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor. 
 

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO