BACK TO SCHOOL SUPPLIES - FIVE ESSENTIALS FOR PARENTS

It's that time of year again, where emotions run high. A few parents groan along with their kids, many rejoice, but at some point, all of the adults find a reason to reach into their own secret stash of school supplies. If this is your first go around, I've compiled a list of must haves and their preferred uses:

Pens - To fill in all of the after school activities your children are involved in on your calendar. You'll need at least three 24 packs of pens. Those notes they'll need when they're too exhausted to get up in the morning aren't going to write themselves.

Pencils - To gauge your eyes out if you hear this one more time: "I hate school! It's boring and I almost fell asleep in Geometry today! I have to get up sooo early and I'm always tired! *Pause to read text* "Mom! Can I go bike riding with Nicole after I get home from dance? I promise I'll be home by ten!" These are also good when in the presence of teenage passion - too bad you can't permanently unsee hormones and hickeys.

Thermos - Some call this a flask, but I call it sanity. Great for special events such as celebrating the first day, coping with being called into school by the teacher - for things like lunch duty and class parties - and mostly to numb the pain of the last day of classes and the knowledge that for the next two months you'll either be planning activities for little ones that are up at the crack of dawn and need to be kept busy, or performing the ice bucket challenge daily in order to get your teens out of bed and to work before noon. 

Febreeze - For those of you that have kids that play school sports and live with the illusion that a spray bottle full of watered down fragrance could ever be enough.

Notebooks - For after the kids are gone in the mornings and the house is quiet. To write down your hopes, dreams, and goals for the coming year - imagine having time for that between bake sales, PTA, and lacrosse practice?? And as if they and your sense of worth didn't die ten years ago - at least the book is recyclable...

Other posts about parenting and back to school by CF Winn:

TEEN GIRLS vs MOMS
http://simplystick.blogspot.com/2014/09/teen-girls-vs-moms.html

THE SEARCH FOR COLLEGES: NYU EPIC FAIL
http://simplystick.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-search-for-colleges-nyu-epicfail.html 

LIFE IS GOOD
http://simplystick.blogspot.com/2012/09/life-is-good.html

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.


You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO

The Search For Colleges: NYU #EpicFail

My high school senior, Ali, did very well when it came to the college search. She was accepted at multiple institutions and was offered scholarships and other prestigious awards. 

She's thrilled. I'm proud. My youngest daughter is taking measurements of their bedroom. Because Izzy is an athlete, that space will become the place where sports dreams come true...aka her locker room.

Although physical activity has never really been Ali's thing, those girls and their dirty laundry have got that smell perfected. Imagine that sweat and shin guards fell in love and had a baby that never bathes. Welcome to where my girls lay their heads at night.

I've warned Izzy that it's going to take some major discipline and commitment on her part to keep the stench at that level without her sister's help. Every time I say that and she stalks off, I can't help but feel proud of her determination.  

Despite her many acceptances and accolades, my daughter's college search was not always as seamless as it might have appeared to my Facebook followers.

She applied to NYU, and even though we live close enough to visit the campus easily, Ali's busy schedule forced her to set up a Skype interview with a woman from the Admission's Department.

On the day of, my daughter dressed and applied makeup even though on her free days she prefers to stay in her pajamas. She forced herself out of bed before noon, tortured us all with her hysteronics (a word I have coined to describe my children when they are beyond their normal level of hysteria and loudness), and spent hours making sure the camera on the lap top worked perfectly.

Over in NYUland, the Admissions Officer, Ms. K, was having technical difficulties. Her camera wasn't working properly, so Ali relaxed a bit, thinking she couldn't be seen at all. Little did she know that the camera worked sporadically, as did the computer speaker over at the University.

  

Ms. K asked Ali why she thought she'd be a good fit at NYU. Ali answered: 

"I (static) know who you are looking for. I (static) know exactly what you want (blackout) in an incoming student. If you are looking for someone (static) awesome, I can tell you I don't have (static) funny (blackout) stories about how I was trained. But what I do have are a very particular set of (brief blackout) acting skills; skills acquired over a very long career (blackout) in the arts program in my school. Skills that make me a (static) dream student for (brief blackout) admissions people like you. (blackout) My mother would say, 'If you let my daughter go (static) to your school now, that'll be the end of (static) our search.' (blackout) She's right. I will not look (static) for any other places, I will not pursue (static) other choices,(blackout) because I'll have you. But if you don't, I will (brief blackout) continue to look, (blackout) and I am good enough to find other institutions,(static) and a place where I will kill it. (static and blackout) Thank you."
  
Because her equipment wasn't working right and she could only hear about every fourth word or so, (and some of those were even distorted due to static) Ms. K heard the speech that Liam Neeson gives in the movie, TAKEN:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
  
Ali knew something was wrong. She could tell by the faces Ms. K was making. 

But what she didn't know was that as she moved around, much more relaxed because she thought she couldn't be seen, the faulty camera on Ms. K's end played tricks on her eyes. When Ali crumbled up the paper with her notes on it and tossed it at the wastebasket, it looked like she was throwing a grenade. When she adjusted the lap top a bit, it seemed like the world outside the window behind her was exploding.

Not long after, the rejection letter arrived in the mail.

We considered appealing and explaining that the speech was really Ali's audition monologue. The restraining order they included was just further evidence that she was a perfect fit for the acting program. In the end, it was just too hard to get in touch with anyone after the University changed all of their phone numbers and email addresses....is NYU even still in New York?

 

Where'd everybody go?

 

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE. 

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor. 

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO 

 

Super Bowl: Women's Lib Lineup

The Super Bowl 

A big game named after a tiny ball and one of America's most anticipated holidays—although it would be much bigger if it fell on a weekday and we were given time off from our jobs to watch it. With pay. 

In the past, it was Dad's me time—he had complete control of the TV and nobody bothered him with emergencies like broken bones or bickering. American Fathers could spend the day living the dream, which meant that there would be lots of loud yelling from the den (the man-caves of yesteryear aka the 1970's), beer, and absolutely no women or children allowed.

Used with permission from Google Images

Somewhere along the line, we ladies earned the right to:

-     vote—on which food to serve on Super Bowl Sunday 
-     to treat our bodies as we please—Yes, I will take another beer and some chicken wings 
-     to not only gamble on and watch the big game—but to like it.

And why wouldn't we? As much fun as it is to assume that women don't like violence, have you seen reality TV? 

Or how about those mobs on Black Friday? 

More often than not, shoppers arrive in teams, made up of both men and women, but the quarterback is almost always female. She calls the plays at midnight in the car, on the way to the store: 

"Joe Junior, you go in first. Just scoot through everyone's legs and get us a spot on the register line. We'll meet you there in ten." First, she designates the running back, usually the smallest and most wiry, to navigate around The Fridges and to avoid the Clothesline Tackle. 

Then she forehead plucks the sleepiest of the crew. "Joe Senior! Uncle Mike! Get with the program!" She warns her fullbacks that if they don't tech block and she can't nab an iPhone 12, there'll be hell to pay when they get home. They go over the strategy several times and she drills them endlessly. 

The Christmas Quarterback is usually an overachiever. "Missy, you have the lists organized by lowest price offered, right?" Four downs is three too many. The family still has five other stores, each the size of a football field to hit. But in the end, if there's a flag on the play, Mamaback will fly solo and take the game to the next level. "If we get separated, take an Uber home. But remember, the cost of that ride equals a Nintendo Switch. You've been warned." 

Used with permission from Google Images

How did this Aggressive Revolution start? 

Many would like to argue that after years of oppression and mediocre wages, an uprising began and the All-American sport seemed like the best way for women to express their hidden rage. The days of smiling through gritted teeth had ended, and women were sacking their lives, bent on changing things.

I don't agree. I think it began in the park, at a time when it was no longer acceptable for nuns or parents to take out the switch and beat children into behaving. In the eighties and nineties, kids were suddenly acknowledged as human beings with feelings and personalities that were affected by their environment. The spotlight was put on pedophiles, child abusers, and the idea that parents and kids should be BFF's. We were beginning to live longer. If kids hated their parents, what kind of home would they put them in when they got old? 

And so  a new era of playground mothers donned their game faces and formed a defensive line

As far as they were concerned, no unauthorized players would make it to the end zone where their kids were playing. 

Every sandbox has one—the alpha female—the quarterback. Her closest confidants, aka the defensive tackle—the ones who knows that she and her husband haven't had sex in six months—are authorized to babysit her kids if an emergency pops up. They have a say in choosing the defensive ends—you need more than three women to take turns bringing the wine to play dates—the ones who round out the squad. Sure, they criticize each other's parenting skills behind each other's backs, but if a bigger kid pushes one of their kids off the swings, they are a team again, enforcing their seniority status and effectively blocking bullies and newcomers from muscling in.

Cornerbacks occasionally visit. They sit near the see saw, on the far side of the park. They tend to be working moms who come on a rare day off. Although they are always invited to the after-lunch at Mickey D's, they are more acquaintances than friends. When strangers approach (especially ones who arrive without a kid in tow), the cornerbacks see them first. Like sentries, they welcome them with loud, high pitched tones, a signal that is acknowledged by the other parents. Quickly, but subtly, the linebackers take their places, alert and ready to tackle any wrongdoer if need be.

Used with permission from Google Images

After a few years, women began to realize that they had more in common with America's favorite pastime than anyone previously thought 

Respect for the game grew, and it trickled down through the female bloodline. They began speaking up about discrimination and their love of sports. Women's participation in games like soccer and basketball were well received, and more and more female fans were born. 

I'm not sure that we'll see women playing professional football anytime soon, but when my man

Used with permission from Google Images

asks for another beer, I throw a perfect spiral and he smiles. In our house, that's code for: Get ready to score after the game, and if you can pass those chips without blocking my view and interrupting the play, I'll catch you later for the extra point.

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.  The sequel, WHEN DWAYNE DIED, is coming soon.

The BOOKLIFE PRIZE (a division of Publisher's Weekly) describes MOORE THAN MEETS THE EYE: "This novel is a unique and original storyline that readers will likely find much enjoyment in. Winn's fiercely plotted storyline makes for a suspenseful read. Every plot point feels as if it is being revealed at precisely the right moment. Winn's word choice makes for a joyful ride through unexpectedly dark terrain."

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE.  

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

FOLLOW her on Twitter, Facebook, and CF_Winn on Instagram.