ENOUGH ALREADY. WE NEED TO GET OVER OURSELVES .

I am disgusted.

I wish I could say that I am saddened by the shootings that have become more and more common in this country because I am, but right now I am more disgusted than anything else. We need to get over ourselves. We are so obsessed with being mean that we don't even realize that collectively, we are the reason for the violence.

The world has evolved so much and in so many ways.

Phones are no longer just phones anymore, space is slowly becoming more of a destination and less a mystery, and we can print organs almost as easily as we print our tax returns. But when it comes to how we treat each other--one of the most basic functions that we perform every day--it seems that there is a percentage of people that cannot seem to evolve at all. And with all that we've been through to become a country where freedom of speech is an inalienable right, one that should be cherished and treated as the privilege it is, we choose instead to cut others down for expressing their opinion in growing numbers. Just look at memes, Facebook posts, Twitter feeds, and some blogs.

What does this have to do with shootings, #BlackLivesMatter, #AllLivesMatter, #Dallas, and all of the innocents that have suffered in the mix?

RESPECT.

Respect is not the same as agreeing to and going along with something you know to be wrong. It is allowing someone else their opinion before disagreeing without shaming or attacking his character. If you think you have the right to say what you think, remember that the other person believes the same. And if you think you stand a chance at changing this person's mind by yelling or coming at them hard, just remember how many times you tuned an angry parent out...

The other day someone posted this question on FaceBook: Is it ok for someone to buy lobster with food stamps?

I thought that maybe this person was using food stamps and wanted to know if lobster was a product on the "authorized" list, but very quickly it became clear that the question came from someone who was peeking into another person's shopping cart and judging their choices.

For half a day, this feed was like the trial of the century. And within two responses, I was sure that if the person on food stamps was really on trial, he was going to get the death penalty. Someone even created a list of what this person should be buying--without any knowledge of this person's family, background, special needs, etc.

Sure, lobster might be an unusual choice, but how does that choice warrant so much ridicule for such a large chunk of the day? Especially when you consider how many new ideas have come from unusual choices and out of the box thinking. Without that strange looking thing that we screw into lamps, I'd be writing this post by candlelight, on paper with the more common inkwell, then nailing it to a pole for people to read.

We need to take a stand.

We do. But I think we also need to realize that there are many ways to take a stand. Throughout history, we have been shown different ways, we have been led via many paths, and we have made progress in so many areas. We are testing ourselves again--a sign that we are onto something great--but this time it's tougher because we have more resources with which to come at each other.

In my heart, I know this:

- If we take those resources and redirect them, we can be just as strong in a positive way as we are in the negative ways we ultimately wind up mourning over.

- Saying something to speak out against violence and hatred is fine in some instances, but in others, it fuels it.


Although your intentions may be good, arguing back and forth can escalate and perpetuate the nonsense. There are whens and wheres to debate the issues, but when we come at each other on social media, we appear disjointed as a nation. Deep down, that kind of disjointedness creates fear and anger, and we wind up shooting people we don't even know--and the whole time we don't even realize that the fear and anger came from such trivial FaceBook posts like the one about food stamps and lobster.

I have been ridiculed for not saying something.

But in my silence, I turn away from the negative and toward the positive. Imagine a toddler having a temper tantrum in a play group. The other toddlers turn their backs instead of telling him to shut up or instead of trying to calm him down.

That kid gets to express himself, and eventually, two things happen. It becomes obvious that the calmer toddlers outnumber the one loud, angry kid, and soon the yeller--without back up or support--grows tired and either falls asleep, or moves on to play nicely with others--because that's the only way they will interact with him.

Social media has the power to bring us together, but it can also rip us apart. Skimmers only read the headlines and those are skewed to attract readers. Opinions are often formed and expressed based on half read articles and the need to be right.

Why can't we all just be heard?

Progress is made via debate, not violence--if you kill everyone off, who will create the next best cronut? And yes, humor is great tool for when we get too serious or tense. Why are we here if we can't have fun? I am quite sure that our purpose is NOT to create bigger weapons so that we can kill more people--I have to believe that we were meant to do better than this.

We should expect respect. On all levels of government and civillian life. We should hold ourselves accountable for the good behavior we expect from others. When we work this way, the smaller, bad group is easily exposed. They can't hide behind the chaos we create, working against the greater good, while we are busy policing each other for being outraged at the smaller, bad group's actions. THAT is how change comes about--once we isolate the real issue we can truly determine its size and worth. We can more easily figure out how and where to focus our energies--and no one has to get hurt.

The consequences of where we are headed are eloquently laid out for us by John Kass, Contact Reporter for the ChicagoTribune: "If you read histories about great empires and how they lost their way — slowly, inexorably, the illness growing along the dull spine of what they once had been — then you already know what happens."

My disgust has melted away and I am replaced with hope. Hope that someone may agree with what I've said and change even just one thing to respect others more. And that by their example one more person may do the same. And so on, until respect spreads like the viral videos of senseless killings of fellow human beings that have no business in a place like the United States.




CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at https://www.amazon.com/dp/0615726313

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

FOLLOW me on Twitter, Facebook, and CF_Winn on Instagram.

The Search For Colleges: NYU #EpicFail

My high school senior, Ali, did very well when it came to the college search. She was accepted at multiple institutions and was offered scholarships and other prestigious awards. 

She's thrilled. I'm proud. My youngest daughter is taking measurements of their bedroom. Because Izzy is an athlete, that space will become the place where sports dreams come true...aka her locker room.

Although physical activity has never really been Ali's thing, those girls and their dirty laundry have got that smell perfected. Imagine that sweat and shin guards fell in love and had a baby that never bathes. Welcome to where my girls lay their heads at night.

I've warned Izzy that it's going to take some major discipline and commitment on her part to keep the stench at that level without her sister's help. Every time I say that and she stalks off, I can't help but feel proud of her determination.  

Despite her many acceptances and accolades, my daughter's college search was not always as seamless as it might have appeared to my Facebook followers.

She applied to NYU, and even though we live close enough to visit the campus easily, Ali's busy schedule forced her to set up a Skype interview with a woman from the Admission's Department.

On the day of, my daughter dressed and applied makeup even though on her free days she prefers to stay in her pajamas. She forced herself out of bed before noon, tortured us all with her hysteronics (a word I have coined to describe my children when they are beyond their normal level of hysteria and loudness), and spent hours making sure the camera on the lap top worked perfectly.

Over in NYUland, the Admissions Officer, Ms. K, was having technical difficulties. Her camera wasn't working properly, so Ali relaxed a bit, thinking she couldn't be seen at all. Little did she know that the camera worked sporadically, as did the computer speaker over at the University.

  

Ms. K asked Ali why she thought she'd be a good fit at NYU. Ali answered: 

"I (static) know who you are looking for. I (static) know exactly what you want (blackout) in an incoming student. If you are looking for someone (static) awesome, I can tell you I don't have (static) funny (blackout) stories about how I was trained. But what I do have are a very particular set of (brief blackout) acting skills; skills acquired over a very long career (blackout) in the arts program in my school. Skills that make me a (static) dream student for (brief blackout) admissions people like you. (blackout) My mother would say, 'If you let my daughter go (static) to your school now, that'll be the end of (static) our search.' (blackout) She's right. I will not look (static) for any other places, I will not pursue (static) other choices,(blackout) because I'll have you. But if you don't, I will (brief blackout) continue to look, (blackout) and I am good enough to find other institutions,(static) and a place where I will kill it. (static and blackout) Thank you."
  
Because her equipment wasn't working right and she could only hear about every fourth word or so, (and some of those were even distorted due to static) Ms. K heard the speech that Liam Neeson gives in the movie, TAKEN:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
  
Ali knew something was wrong. She could tell by the faces Ms. K was making. 

But what she didn't know was that as she moved around, much more relaxed because she thought she couldn't be seen, the faulty camera on Ms. K's end played tricks on her eyes. When Ali crumbled up the paper with her notes on it and tossed it at the wastebasket, it looked like she was throwing a grenade. When she adjusted the lap top a bit, it seemed like the world outside the window behind her was exploding.

Not long after, the rejection letter arrived in the mail.

We considered appealing and explaining that the speech was really Ali's audition monologue. The restraining order they included was just further evidence that she was a perfect fit for the acting program. In the end, it was just too hard to get in touch with anyone after the University changed all of their phone numbers and email addresses....is NYU even still in New York?

 

Where'd everybody go?

 

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE. 

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor. 

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO 

 

Ramblings of A Cat Addict

 

This week, A Cheeto Named Larry and I have decided to pull a Freaky Friday kind of switch on you. She's posting on my site, and I've hijacked hers. I'm always delighted by whatever she has to say...but then again, I actively seek out jokes about things like pooping and farting... Since this post contains neither of those, and I'm still encouraging you to read it, that says something.

Don't forget to leave a comment below because I want Larry to feel like royalty...and like I'm really popular...Enjoy!

       ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently I asked CF Winn to guest write for my site, and she graciously agreed. Plus I totally put her on the spot. I was like the kid that stands there and pokes his mother: “Mama. Mama. Mama. Will you? Huh? Mama. Will you? Huh? Mama.” Just like that. That was me.

The next conversation went something like this:

CF Winn: Well would you like…(to follow me on Twitter)

Me: To be a guest writer on your site? You bet I would!

CF Winn: Well, actually, I was just going to…(see if you wanted to follow me on Twitter)

Me: You don’t have to beg. Really, I’ll be happy to do it.

CF Winn: Um…oook…well…(are you fucking crazy??)

Me: This is crazy! We’ve become so close I can already finish your sentences. I’ll have a post for you soon!

That’s how this whole thing began. And I was pretty excited. But then, after a while, I really started to worry about writing this post. For one, what if I taint her site with all my cuss words? I was once told that I must not be very intelligent if I can’t write or speak without cursing. I told that lady, “Hey F-you lady”, because she sounded like big fat stupid dumdum, and I just wasn’t going to stoop down to her level. 

Writing for yourself is one thing, but writing for someone else can really put the pressure on. And that’s when you find out what you’re made of. I wasn’t very impressed with what I was made of. I sat down to write this post at least a dozen times. Here is just a small handful of the thoughts that pulled me away from my mission:

1.       It’s 3 o’clock. Time for wine.

2.       If I don’t catch up on the Young and the Restless, the DVR will start dumping episodes. This is serious.

3.       Ooh…a butterfly…

4.       Did that dog just burp?

5.       That wine is not gonna drink itself.

6.       How did Dr. Frasier Crane ever stay in business for more than a week?

7.       If I had to choose between him and Niles, I’d go with Daphne.

8.       I need to pull those weeds. And maybe get a glass of wine.

9.     (chin resting in hand)  I really wish I could meet Big Foot.

10.   There just aren’t enough funny cat videos out there.

     So as you can see, it’s been rough. But I finally pulled myself together, put on my big girl panties, and sat down to discover the words flowed freely from my fingertips like, when they open the gate for pigs, how all those pigs run out real fast. It was like that. 

 

 

But as the words came out, I realized…this is just a post about a post. What kind of asshole writes a post about a post? This shit isn’t even legit, but I’m already committed. How do I turn what I have into an actual meaningful post that people will truly want to read?

Then it hit me! By adding a cat video. Everybody loves cat videos.

But then I think, that’s dumb. CF Winn is not a cat person, therefore she would not enjoy the video. But as I was contemplating all this, it did remind me of a story that I thought she would appreciate…

Many years ago I was the crazy cat lady. I’m in recovery now, but once an addict, always an addict. Anyhow, I had a cat named Steve. Steve was of a very mischievous nature and often found himself caught up in rather precarious positions. Like the time he was playing with the fishing lure, got hooked in the paw and then ran around the house dragging the fishing pole behind him. It was bloody mayhem. But that’s not the story.

This is the story.

Steve was always getting into shit and he really made me mad because he would always get away before I could spank him. Well one evening, I’d laid down to go to sleep and heard a terrible noise like “Kghhhhh….”, and it got louder. “KGKGHHHHH”. Say it with me: “KGGGGHHHKKHH”. I’m all, what the fuck… 

Then Steve starts ripping and tearing through the house, over my chest, through the bathroom, and back into the living room, all the while making guttural noises unlike anything I’ve ever heard. 

 

While I was extremely curious what was going on, I was lazier than I was curious, so I figured if he was having some kind of seizure, well it was nice knowing ya Steve. I settled back into my pillow.

Now, I said I was the crazy cat lady, which means I had multiple cats. Another cat, Sooie, started to do the same thing Steve was doing. “KGKGHHHH”, and then took off running like a bat out of hell. There was some sort of epidemic going on it seemed. 

I peered out into the shadows of the living room, and I see my third cat, Larry, batting something around. To me, in the dark, it looks like a turd. But when Larry bites it, he suddenly freaks the fuck out too. I could no longer deny that I had to get my ass out of bed because now all three cats have evidently bitten something poisonous and are all shooting through the house faster than those pigs flew out of my fingertips. They’re all going different directions, all going KGKGHHHHH, and it’s just a general sense of chaos at this point because I don’t know what kind of enemy I’m dealing with.

WELL.

When I got up and turned on the light, there in the middle of the floor, lay a very dead, but still lethal…

…wait for it…

….jalapeno pepper.

Upon further inspection, I found the refrigerator door to be wide open, all my peppers spread out onto the kitchen floor, and a half-empty can of cat food littering the scene. And I thought….yeah….karma mother fuckers.

So as you can see, I ended up turning a post about a post into a post about a post about a cat who got what was fucking coming to him. And I think that’s something we can all appreciate.





 

When I'm not MMA street fighting, I'm saving kittens from sinking battleships. I once humanized a cheeto to the extent that I began the blog A Cheeto Named Larry. Then one day I got pissed, deleted it, and threw Larry in the trash. I've hated my own fat guts ever since, so I spend everyday making up for it with the new and improved A Cheeto Named Larry. Writing is the only thing that matters. Besides sleeping, eating, kittens. But not eating sleeping kittens. That would be upsetting.

Journey McGuire is the owner of http://acheetonamedlarry.com/ and contributor for http://humoroutcasts.com/.