AN OPEN LETTER TO MY INNER VOICES

To Whom It May Concern,
 

I'm really good at lots of things

Well that's a formal opening. 

I know, right? It seems weird since we talk every day, all day long. But lately I've been thinking, and despite all the talking, I've realized that you don't know me at all. We are so different that it's actually disturbing.

What's really disturbing is that not only did you skip your workout this morning to write this, but you also ate that big muffin. It's packed with sugar and carbs and goes right to your stomach. That's why it's called a "muffin top." See how I did that? Yeah, I've got jokes. Wanna hear some more? 

For example, there's that thing between thoughts called silence. I like silence. But you don't, so I hardly ever get to experience it like successful people do. The ones who take time off to just be. They say it's where pure peace can be found, but for me, between my thoughts and your incessant shaming, the only peace I ever found was pieces of  my shattered self esteem.

I just tell it like it is, sister. I can't help it if you can't handle the truth. I make you better. How can you improve if you never know what needs to be fixed—like this blog. Stop writing and delete this immediately. Nobody's going to want to read it.

To be fair, I think I share some of the responsibility. At first you were like a new friend, interested in everything about me and actively participating in whatever I was thinking about. Whenever you'd go off on tangents, I was excited—happy to step out of my comfort zone and follow along.

And after a while, I got so used to it that I never noticed that the same voice who convinced me that trying lobster ice cream was a great idea—that I was the most boring person in the world if I didn't—wasn't there to hold back my hair and comfort me when the taste was awful and I vomited into a trash can on Martha's Vineyard.

Once upon a time. I was considered unique, but then you relabelled what others called my realness. You started referring to it as my ridiculousness every chance you got. And because your opinion mattered, my shine dulled and dumbed itself down, like a smart girl afraid of intimidating the boy she likes.

You're a mess. You should really just—

I'm good enough

The turning point came for me when I realized I was lonely. Even though with you in my head, I was never really alone. When I finally saw that I had stopped doing all of the things I loved. Because I was afraid of making a mistake and looking as stupid as you told me I was. The turning point came when I realized that everyone else was still doing the things I loved to do, but they did them without me.

I decided that the incessant chatter and constant abuse had to end. I was exhausted from trying to change myself and I wasn't having any fun.

Abuse? I never hit you. What are you talking about? You are such a drama queen. I've done nothing but bend over backwards trying to look out for you. I just told you what you were already thinking, but as usual, you just don't get it. Hey. Are you listening? Can you hear me?

I can hear you, but somehow you seem smaller. And now there's another voice talking over you—one who loves me and wants to see me do great things. It's louder than you are, and your cowardly, obnoxious, self-centered cries for attention are quickly becoming background noise against the roar of applause I hear when I don't second guess myself and go with the flow.

That voice, the one who cheers me on, is the one that saved you from being drowned out altogether you know. Remember? It was early, a rare day of rest, and I really wanted to watch Super Soul Sunday...

But reality TV is so much fun. What are you trying to be? Some kind of spiritual guru? You should have been mowing the lawn any—

That voice kept me straight, stroking my hand as I pressed the buttons on the TV remote, reminding me that I matter and that I didn't have to give in to you. I turned on the episode where Steven Pressfield told Oprah that "resistance is a negative force that arises whenever we try to move from a lower level to a higher level." 

And suddenly you had a name, an identity, and a purpose. I smiled, forgave you, and allowed myself to love not only me, but you.

Wait. What??

Fear and Resistance. Once upon a time I wanted to hate you—for interrupting me when I tried to meditate, or for telling me that I was too fat to exercise anyway—but now I appreciate you.

It all makes sense—that just as we can't really know the light without the dark, or love without hate, without you, I couldn't possibly know when I am really onto something.

For just like the jealous person who works to keep others down, you are the loudest when I am on my truest path.

I'm right here! *throwing random, nasty thoughts*

Consider this my notice. I am terminating our dysfunctional relationship in order to move onto bigger and better things. You will no longer be an annoying stop sign at every corner—interrupting my flow and disturbing my journey. Instead, when you get loud, you will be like a green light, and I will continue, knowing that I am headed in the right direction.

Oh you don't like what I'm doing? Then I must be doing it right.

And now, when I enjoy moments of silence between my thoughts, I will relax and enjoy the ride with my truest self next to me in the front seat—the one who supports what's best for me.

When we do talk, it'll sound like:

Me: "All is well. You are loved."
Me: "Thanks girl. Back at you."


Bye. Peace, love, and power trips,

The One Who Got Away

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.  The sequel, WHEN DWAYNE DIED, is coming soon.

The BOOKLIFE PRIZE (a division of Publisher's Weekly) describes MOORE THAN MEETS THE EYE: "This novel is a unique and original storyline that readers will likely find much enjoyment in. Winn's fiercely plotted storyline makes for a suspenseful read. Every plot point feels as if it is being revealed at precisely the right moment. Winn's word choice makes for a joyful ride through unexpectedly dark terrain."

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE.  

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

FOLLOW her on Twitter, Facebook, and CF_Winn on Instagram.

Terrorists: They're Just Like Us

When I grow up, I wanna be just like....

As kids, we were read fairy tales and watched Disney movies. Heroes were worshiped and children were told that they should grow up and "be just like the good guys" - brave, kind, of service to others, and talented enough to spontaneously break out into song. No matter their struggles, the heroes always won in the end, and the message was that love triumphs over evil.

About a minute after we grew out of cartoon hunks and sass talking damsels riding in on white horses to save their betrothed, we set our sights on movie stars. Who wouldn't want to be like them? They wore fancy clothes and painted smiles for the cameras. As tweens, fun loving, photoshopped poses were enough to make us to wish, When I grow up, I want to be rich and famous. Their lives are perfect!

Thanks Google Images and Disney

Then Reality TV and Social Media arrived to the party, and they grabbed our attention in one fell swoop, inviting us to come play, like those twins in The Shining. Suddenly, we got a glimpse into what goes on when "there's no script", and the battle of the hot messes began.

All sense of self respect went out the window with the idea that wearing underwear for the camera was good form. Beating each other up, both physically and verbally, became a hashtag - #fightgoals - and like verbal diarrhea, every badly spelled thought, feeling, and opinion we had was let loose on the internet.

No matter which phase we were in, fingers were wagged and behavior was insisted upon: Be nice! No bullying allowed! If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!

The message was certainly loud, but was it really clear??

There's a reason why The Housewives reality franchise is so popular, but (Spoiler Alert!) it's not because anyone kisses, makes up, and means it. Audiences love the drama. And the fights. Especially the ones that involve hair pulling and secret telling. Viewers root for their favorites and judge how strong or weak the players are.

At home, when kids are shushed because Bethany and Kristen are about to throw down at a fancy restaurant in Tribeca, I have to wonder what kind of life lessons they are learning.

Twitter, Twitter, post on my wall, who's the toughest one of all?

A few weeks ago, the NY Times posted an article on the front page of the Saturday paper. The headline read: Supporters of Al Qaeda and ISIS Tangle Over Who Is The Deadliest

Find the NY Times article here: http://nytimes.newspaperdirect.com/epaper/viewer.aspx

The piece described how followers of each group were tweeting at each other about who was more righteous and prominent. The Times reported that one outspoken supporter's profile suggested that he could be a fighter affiliated with one of the groups, and it got me thinking about reality TV and how these shows gain momentum.

*  As soon as a show makes its debut, alliances, rivalries, and branding abound. - "Once united under the Qaeda brand, they (Al Qaeda and ISIS) split over differing strategies in Syria."

*  Lines are drawn quickly, and the drama begins. - "... it was also clear that the hostage-taking played into the growing rivalry between the two groups."

*  Favorites are decided upon and we create opinions based on what is shown to us, rather than what really is. And along the way, images become more distorted as even the characters have to live up to the brand they've created for themselves. - "The Islamic State has since emerged as the most dynamic , popular force among radicalized Muslims, fueling a competition for recruits, cash, and bragging rights among extremists who see bloodletting as the best way to advance an Islamist agenda."

*Quotes are taken from the NY Times article



"Those who live in glass houses..."

We all have opinions and we are lucky enough to live in a country where we have the freedom to express them, but how it's done is what marry us regular folk to the terrorists and reality TV.

Social Media is full of posts, pictures, and memes that bully, shame, and criticize others for almost everything they say, do, and are. We rally supporters while retweeting, reposting, and sharing negativity in alarming numbers.

Because you never make a mistake behind the wheel

How sad that we all don't blindly follow you.

http://mashable.com/2015/11/30/overweight-haters-ltd-cards-tube/#F7nmdd30nPqr #fatshamingisuncool 

And so many times, mothers, like Kim Kardashian-West - who are creating tiny humans - are targeted. How disappointing it must be for the parents of the cruelly outspoken - having children that are so unkind that they forget that their own mothers gained some weight and ate a little more while pregnant.

So oblivious are some that for those who have breastfed publicly, like Ashley Kaidel, the statement that goes unsaid is, Her body is so amazing that it instinctively makes enough nourishing, life sustaining food so that our generation and future ones can live on - even if the rest of us kill each other via disrespect, hatred, and a disregard for the contrasts that brought enough change to get us to where we are in terms of knowledge, technology, finance, medicine, etc.

"What is an adult? A child puffed with age." Simone de Beauvoir

Despite all of the development and awareness that has brought us iPhones, Netflix, and 3D Organ Bioprinting, so many are still stuck in the past. They behave as immature individuals fighting over things (like land and money), refusing to listen to or to respect the perspectives of others, and needing to be heard over everyone else. They can be food service workers, teachers, CEO's, or organized groups with self serving agendas - acting like children who have still not grown up enough to realize that it is not in our best interest to always agree, but it is in our best interest to stop fighting long enough to listen and consider other's ideas and feelings.

And it's not just on social media. Bullying happens on the roads, in the stores, and in the workplace. Just this morning, I saw two middle aged men fighting over a handicap parking spot at Walmart. Although there were two empty spots about twenty feet from the one they were arguing over, as I watched them climb out of their cars to get in each other's faces, it became clear that the fight was not really about where to park. It was about dominance, being right, and winning. And since it was 7:30 on a Saturday morning in December, how much do you want to bet that at least one of them was there to shop for gifts for the holidays? #holidayspiritfails

The only thing that separates us from the terrorists is our firepower, although some may argue that words hurt more than guns do.

Who are you?

Are you the person who will attack my opinions in the comments, or are you the person who discusses things in the name of progress and/or understanding? Can you be the one who will bring your thoughts to the table without anger or the expectation that we should all agree with you?

It may sound crazy, but a girl can dream, right?

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback on Amazon or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE.  

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

FOLLOW me on Twitter, Facebook, Google +, and CF_Winn on Instagram.

My Hot Mess Is Your Hot Mess

Living Like A Hot Mess 

When I was growing up in the seventies, the only hot messes I had to deal with were spilled soup, hot chocolate, or the landmines left by my dog in the backyard. There was no internet to expose us, so we suffered privately, in our closets, usually accompanied by beer, tissues, and Barry Manilow.  

Clean up your own hot mess!

 

We were only found out if we drank too much at a beach campfire and started bawling - and even then, with only word of mouth to spread the gossip, the damaging info usually stayed within the confines of the town, and Danielle has herpes eventually morphed into Danielle burps a lot. (think Telephone Game)

Life was quiet back then and people minded their own dirty business - probably because without modern methods of finding and convicting killers, like DNA testing - loose lips could sink your own ship.

But then something happened that changed everything and my theory is that it showed up around the time of reality TV. 

All of a sudden it was not only cool to tell your friends that you weren't wearing underwear, but also to show the world - just in case there was any doubt. And if that wasn't enough, when you missed an episode, a full recap, ripe with stills and video would be available on the internet. Of course nowadays, we can also catch encore airings, entertainment shows, and Netflix - the place where deceased programs rise up to live among us like zombies.

Drama Is King

It's drama that we're attracted to, and my attempts at being normal are not impressing anyone. 

I finally figured out that I feel good when I organize my closet and give the clothes that I don't want to the needy. Raise your hand if you care. 

Exactly. 

Now, if I reveal that I'm a hoarder, and I'd rather have my house condemned than give up my water damaged books, then my name will come up in every conversation you have, till the obese guy down the block one-ups me by getting a crane to take him out of his house so he can go to food rehab. 

Why Are Hot Messes So Appealing? 

Boredom and feeling better about your own dysfunctions seem to be the top two reasons. When faced with the choice of talking about Miss Pauline's prized cherry tomato plants, or juicy topics like alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental illness, gossip seems to be the glue that holds the neighborhood together. 

According to my friends' Facebook posts, if I've got a good story to tell, I can visit any time - as long as I bring wine, chocolate, and check my judgement at the door because my host will finish off the goodies I brought for sure. Whatever alcohol buzz or sugar high happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.

Proud To Be A Hot Mess

In my family, the hot mess gene gets passed down to the younger generation with pride, like a secret recipe we won't share with anyone else. 

Take my son for instance. Right now, I have him mostly under control, but one day he will move out and have to fend for himself. Max should not live on sugar, iced tea, and french fries alone. 

I pray every day that the reaction he gives me when I offer him a carrot is the same response he has when offered drugs and alcohol. For now, I tell him that we're broke and that there is no money in the budget for chips, ice cream, or candy and that if he wants those things, he'll have to get a job. Wait, what? There's that face again. Is there a tomato in the room? 

Fry Coma

Could I Be The Exception?

I think I'm a hot mess, but a lovable one. My biggest vice is that I crave intellectual stimulation and connections. If I'm not learning, I'm not living. Give me a new vocabulary word, a different perspective, or an unexplained paranormal event, and I will pump you up like Collagen without the lumpy, bumpy aftermath. 

Peter Perfect and Susie Spectacular don't interest me unless they've got a terrific back story. You're thin, you've got oodles of money, and everyone adores you instead of me, so why should I like you? Because you were born with only four toes? I'm listening... Because you built a business from the back of your Volkswagon? Nice... Because when I find out what really makes you tick and what it's going to do for the world, I'm going to witness the magic of coincidence and get carried along in the awesomeness? Jackpot.

In the meantime, let's talk about your cousin with Aspergers...

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at http://hopress-shorehousebooks.com/cf-winn/  or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE. 

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO 

Burt Jenner?? Who The Hell Is That?

Before a few days ago, I had never heard of Burt Jenner.

My dream is to wake up one day and discover that my biggest worry is, should I get the grande or the venti coffee today? My house would be cleaned for me, my meals would be prepared by the finest chef, and I'd have a personal butler to not only fetch my Starbucks, but to dress up in costume and act out the main characters from my books for flow. I'm slowly working up to that, but in the meantime, I live through others. 

Why hate on the Kardashians?

There are so many people that take pleasure in making fun of reality TV royalty,

There's just not enough Burt Jenner on reality TV.

but the Kardashians have the right idea - they love dressing up, looking pretty, shopping, eating out, and making money while doing all of it. 

Every day, they get to do just that. They are the perfect example of live it and it will come. Those that criticize just don't get it, but that's ok, that's their journey to take.

Tease me all you want, but every week, I can't wait to sink into the couch and soak up their essence - do what you love and get paid for it. My girls and I look forward to finding out who's giving birth next, and now that the Todd Kraines pranks are over, we'll miss crying from laughing so hard.

We live for the drama of the rich and famous.

Recently, the big controversy was about whether or not to install a putting green for Bruce on the Jenner Compound. A big meeting was called, and a vote was taken. Kylie and Kendall were noticeably absent from the pow wow, but when a hand popped up from behind the carafe of chardonnay, the viewers knew there was a new Jenner in town. 

Since then, it's been like playing Where's Waldo with Burt Jenner, the newest member of the fam. His head (is he bald? is he dirty blond?) is barely visible from behind the potted plant, and I wonder if it's just my imagination till the sighting is confirmed when he walks into the kitchen and hugs (one of) his sisters.

After I realized that Burt Jenner was in fact a family member and not part of the film crew, a few questions began to gnaw at me:

1. Why was he allowed to have a vote in a situation that could cause a marital rift, but he was not invited on the Family Vaca in Greece? Brody. Dude. You got there. Stop whining already.

2. What are the chances that Kris AND Bruce both named all of their kids (except for ones of the opposite sex-Cassandra and Rob) with their first initial THEN met each other years later??

and most importantly,

3. Why is Burt Jenner suddenly on camera? Did he come forward one day and say, "Hey Dad and Step-Mom#2, as much as I hate the paparazzi, I think it's time I started earning my keep." 

Awkward pause. 

"And, uh, the steel mill closed down, so my Harley payments are becoming a problem. $25,000 an episode could really turn things around for me. That's what Kourtney's kids get, right?" 

Will his sister, Casey, her husband, and their offspring be part of the spin off Ryan Seacrest and Kris Jenner could potentially produce if Burt is a hit? 

Hey! Burt Jenner is ready for his closeup!

"BEING BURT JENNER" could take place in Bora-Bora where he runs a bike/rum shop. Periodically, Casey and her family can visit to criticize his inventory and set-up, and if the ratings are really low, Mason, Penelope, and North can fly over and show the step-cousins how swag is done.

I'm sure that time and Momager, Kris Jenner, will decide Burt's fate. It's not so crazy to assume that he could make it in this business. After all, step-bros, Brandon and Brody were no strangers to reality TV before they were invited to publicly come out with the Kardashians. And Brody probably temporarily landed Avril Lavigne because of it. 

Now if I could just stop calling him Burt Kardashian...or does it even matter?



Pictures used with permission from Microsoft

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.


You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.