AN OPEN LETTER TO MY INNER VOICES

To Whom It May Concern,
 

I'm really good at lots of things

Well that's a formal opening. 

I know, right? It seems weird since we talk every day, all day long. But lately I've been thinking, and despite all the talking, I've realized that you don't know me at all. We are so different that it's actually disturbing.

What's really disturbing is that not only did you skip your workout this morning to write this, but you also ate that big muffin. It's packed with sugar and carbs and goes right to your stomach. That's why it's called a "muffin top." See how I did that? Yeah, I've got jokes. Wanna hear some more? 

For example, there's that thing between thoughts called silence. I like silence. But you don't, so I hardly ever get to experience it like successful people do. The ones who take time off to just be. They say it's where pure peace can be found, but for me, between my thoughts and your incessant shaming, the only peace I ever found was pieces of  my shattered self esteem.

I just tell it like it is, sister. I can't help it if you can't handle the truth. I make you better. How can you improve if you never know what needs to be fixed—like this blog. Stop writing and delete this immediately. Nobody's going to want to read it.

To be fair, I think I share some of the responsibility. At first you were like a new friend, interested in everything about me and actively participating in whatever I was thinking about. Whenever you'd go off on tangents, I was excited—happy to step out of my comfort zone and follow along.

And after a while, I got so used to it that I never noticed that the same voice who convinced me that trying lobster ice cream was a great idea—that I was the most boring person in the world if I didn't—wasn't there to hold back my hair and comfort me when the taste was awful and I vomited into a trash can on Martha's Vineyard.

Once upon a time. I was considered unique, but then you relabelled what others called my realness. You started referring to it as my ridiculousness every chance you got. And because your opinion mattered, my shine dulled and dumbed itself down, like a smart girl afraid of intimidating the boy she likes.

You're a mess. You should really just—

I'm good enough

The turning point came for me when I realized I was lonely. Even though with you in my head, I was never really alone. When I finally saw that I had stopped doing all of the things I loved. Because I was afraid of making a mistake and looking as stupid as you told me I was. The turning point came when I realized that everyone else was still doing the things I loved to do, but they did them without me.

I decided that the incessant chatter and constant abuse had to end. I was exhausted from trying to change myself and I wasn't having any fun.

Abuse? I never hit you. What are you talking about? You are such a drama queen. I've done nothing but bend over backwards trying to look out for you. I just told you what you were already thinking, but as usual, you just don't get it. Hey. Are you listening? Can you hear me?

I can hear you, but somehow you seem smaller. And now there's another voice talking over you—one who loves me and wants to see me do great things. It's louder than you are, and your cowardly, obnoxious, self-centered cries for attention are quickly becoming background noise against the roar of applause I hear when I don't second guess myself and go with the flow.

That voice, the one who cheers me on, is the one that saved you from being drowned out altogether you know. Remember? It was early, a rare day of rest, and I really wanted to watch Super Soul Sunday...

But reality TV is so much fun. What are you trying to be? Some kind of spiritual guru? You should have been mowing the lawn any—

That voice kept me straight, stroking my hand as I pressed the buttons on the TV remote, reminding me that I matter and that I didn't have to give in to you. I turned on the episode where Steven Pressfield told Oprah that "resistance is a negative force that arises whenever we try to move from a lower level to a higher level." 

And suddenly you had a name, an identity, and a purpose. I smiled, forgave you, and allowed myself to love not only me, but you.

Wait. What??

Fear and Resistance. Once upon a time I wanted to hate you—for interrupting me when I tried to meditate, or for telling me that I was too fat to exercise anyway—but now I appreciate you.

It all makes sense—that just as we can't really know the light without the dark, or love without hate, without you, I couldn't possibly know when I am really onto something.

For just like the jealous person who works to keep others down, you are the loudest when I am on my truest path.

I'm right here! *throwing random, nasty thoughts*

Consider this my notice. I am terminating our dysfunctional relationship in order to move onto bigger and better things. You will no longer be an annoying stop sign at every corner—interrupting my flow and disturbing my journey. Instead, when you get loud, you will be like a green light, and I will continue, knowing that I am headed in the right direction.

Oh you don't like what I'm doing? Then I must be doing it right.

And now, when I enjoy moments of silence between my thoughts, I will relax and enjoy the ride with my truest self next to me in the front seat—the one who supports what's best for me.

When we do talk, it'll sound like:

Me: "All is well. You are loved."
Me: "Thanks girl. Back at you."


Bye. Peace, love, and power trips,

The One Who Got Away

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.  The sequel, WHEN DWAYNE DIED, is coming soon.

The BOOKLIFE PRIZE (a division of Publisher's Weekly) describes MOORE THAN MEETS THE EYE: "This novel is a unique and original storyline that readers will likely find much enjoyment in. Winn's fiercely plotted storyline makes for a suspenseful read. Every plot point feels as if it is being revealed at precisely the right moment. Winn's word choice makes for a joyful ride through unexpectedly dark terrain."

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE.  

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

FOLLOW her on Twitter, Facebook, and CF_Winn on Instagram.

Letting Go: Eleven Things I Never Told My Ex

Letting Go Meant Forgiving Myself

For the longest time, I wasn't good at letting go.  

I was your biggest cheerleader and insisted that you were a good person who was hurting inside---even when you called me a bitch and a know-it-all. I told you that I had doubts and didn't want to marry you the night before our wedding. Then I told you that I would marry you anyway.

I went with you to the therapist and talked about my feelings even though all three of us knew that you drank too much and had anger issues long before you met me.

When I look back at our life together, I realize that I said many things I didn't mean and kept the truths to myself. I sank to your level and became as dishonest as you were in an effort to keep the peace.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/watch-hoziers-music-video-cherry-wine-domestic-abuse_us_56c32fdae4b0b40245c7d3c5

Even when everything fell apart, I still didn't come clean.

Therapists sometimes recommend writing a letter full of thoughts that we wouldn't normally express. They say that you should burn it as a symbolic way of letting it go, but I would rather share it—just in case it can help someone who might be living like I did: protecting not just his secrets, but mine, afraid to tell anyone out of embarrassment, fear, or pride. You might feel alone, but you're not. You may feel like you deserve it, but you don't. And you may feel like you don't have a say, but you do. 

1. I never wanted to spend as much time with you as you did me.

I said I missed you when you were away from me because I did. I was happy when I looked forward to seeing you at the end of the day, several nights a week. You took it upon yourself to manipulate the situation so that eventually we'd wind up working and living together 24-7. 

Spending that much time with you showed me who you really are, and that’s when things changed. Eventually, every time I didn't agree with something you said or did, you'd throw a tantrum and announce that we spent too much time together. Suddenly, you had to get away from me. But I wonder, did you notice how I didn’t complain about your change of heart? How quickly and easily I let go and agreed to being apart all day and sometimes at night?

I wish our separations could've lasted longer than a few days. But when you'd complain that you missed me too much and needed me, it was easier for me to give in than be subjected to your tantrums and crazy mood swings.

2. When you asked my kids about what I did when you weren't around, they told me. Every. Single. Time. 

You acted like you were never jealous, that I was the lucky one and that you would walk out the door at any moment, but in reality, you stalked me. Via my kids. 

I don't have the words to accurately describe what I think of a man who would use children in this way. The closest I can come is: disgusting, untrustworthy, and pathetic. The next time you want to know if I hang out with the landscaper when he's not mowing my lawn, ask me.

3. I didn't get old and lose the urge to go to clubs. You just can't dance. 

Drunk or sober, it doesn't matter, just do us all a favor and stay off of the dance floor. It's embarrassing.

4. I hated being the breadwinner.

When we first met, and I allowed you a peek into my situation—single mother of three, working multiple jobs—you assured me that I'd never have to do it alone again; that you'd take care of me if I'd just let go and allow you to.

At first I believed you, but I also urged you to find your passion. While I supported your dreams, I also supported your need to travel, to eat out constantly, and to binge drink. As my level of resentment rose, so did the bills and the amount of hours I worked. 

Eventually, I also became responsible for your therapist, the debt you brought into the marriage, and your credit cards. I wore a $20 Cubic Zirconia I bought online so nobody would know that you (I) couldn't afford a (my own) engagement ring. And yes, in all fairness, you did have a job. But the extra $350 a week doesn't go very far when your husband's appetite is as big as the three teenagers you live with.

5. It is not humanly possible for a woman to climax as fast as you always did. 

And because my life with you was so exhausting, I could not be bothered trying to. It was easier to take care of things myself as was the norm in our relationship. After our first thirty second encounter, I had to wonder if it would get better, and it did. For you. I managed to teach you a few things and can only hope that your future conquests don't consider forty-five seconds a quickie.

6. No one liked you.

So Many Secrets And Lies 

But everyone liked me, so for my sake they kept their mouths shut, crossed their fingers, and hoped that they were wrong.

The best man at my cousin's wedding waited till we were over before telling me how you cornered him and said, "If you try and steal my wife, I'll fucking kill you." And the person who saw you in the shady part of town buying pills tried to spare my feelings by not exposing you. 
But once we split, I realized that everyone had distanced themselves and now I'm alone, too embarrassed by what you did to try and rebuild my relationships.

7. That time when you went away without me and the kids because you said we weren't welcome? While you were gone we discovered that you weren't welcome in our home anymore. 

You had to go to Florida for your grandmother's birthday by yourself. "We just got back from the Outer Banks and we (I) don't have the money for another trip (both of which you insisted upon although I, the breadwinner, objected)", you said. And so you went by yourself.

Of course you didn't want us to go. You were supposed to be sober, so if we had, you wouldn't have gotten drunk on the plane and called to tell me about the UFOs you saw outside the window, racing among the clouds. (Did you notice that I stopped answering the phone after that call?)

And we would've wanted to do more than just sit on the couch with the seniors watching the news all day and night, complaining about the sorry state of the world that everyone else created. With us around, you wouldn't have been able to tell your mom, aunt, and grandmother that "It's so nice to be here with you. You're my real family", then come home and say to me, "It's so nice to be home. You guys are my real family." 

While you stayed perpetually drunk and thankfully distant, the kids and I hung out together, watching comedies and laughing. We relaxed for the first time in years, blissfully not subjected to your complaints about feeling like an outsider because you refused to join in, or being told to be more quiet when we enjoyed each other a little too loudly for you and your hangovers. Our jokes were smart and uninterrupted by explanations you required because you just didn't get them. It was a great weekend and the only thing that kept it from being perfect was your return. Oh, how I longed to let go.

8. I was attracted to other men when I was with you. So many. 

I loved you until you made me hate you. And while I did not plan on acting on it, I was attracted to almost every other man I saw when I was with you. I'd look at the guy in the suit and wonder, What would it be like to be with someone and only have to work thirty hours a week? To have my weekends off? And then there was the guy who looked like he took care of himself. And the one who smiled all the time. If I compared them to you, anyone was more attractive.

9. I kept a separate bank account that you didn't know about.

It was obvious early on that not only would you never be the world's best provider, but that we probably weren't going to make it. Driven by a fear of failure, I kept trying with you, but also driven by the fear of starvation, I planned ahead.

When my job cut my hours in half and we had to depend on you, I stepped up saving my money, knowing that there was no way you'd be able to handle doing what I had done for so long. 

And so we separated—after you offered to drive my daughter and her friend around, knowing all the while that you were drunk—and by separation, I mean you living in my spare room, still sponging off of me. When I tried to settle up on expenses, you were drunk again, and this time you got angry and physical.

I told you that I threw you out of the house that night for your own good and I meant it, but I wasn't referring to your sobriety like you thought. My kids and my stash saved your life. My first reaction was to take a chair over your head and to continue beating you with it until you were dead. But then I thought of my kids and the money and how we didn't need anything from you—especially your presence. And that's when I finally let go.

10. You are one of the dumbest people I know.

Your spelling is atrocious, you can barely read, and the only conversations you are good at are heavily peppered with cliches—other people's words and ideas. 

I couldn't let you order anything online because my bank account would get hacked every time, and your biggest accomplishment during our time together was when you used Legos to stop the bathroom fan from shaking...and they still fall out of the ceiling from time to time. 

The only person I know who might be dumber than you is me. I invited you into my home and into my family's lives and allowed you to stay much longer than you should have. I knew I wasn't being smart but I couldn't let go. I kept hoping that the impostor you hooked me up with in the first place might return. I own my lack of intelligence in that respect, but I'm still smart enough to know that I don't deserve to be treated like that ever again. 

  

This Way To Complete Peace

11. I don't miss you. You served your purpose and now I wish you'd disappear. 

When you would yell at me, "You're the problem!" and "I wouldn't drink so much or be so depressed and angry if it wasn't for you!", I felt guilty enough to wonder if it wasn't true. After all, omission is the same as lying, and I kept a lot from you. But after a while, those hateful words became excuses made by a person who had no desire to change himself. With that realization, I was able to see how you changed me.

For so long, I wondered how I could go from picking such loving partners to picking losers, never getting the lesson until the ultimate loser was tossed into my lap and legally chained to my leg.

You were the mirror that showed me how I blamed myself for choosing fathers for my children that were not capable of taking care of themselves, let alone anyone else. I became the world's best caregiver, so good at doing my job, that when in the company of others, I couldn't stop.

But no matter how I excelled at being both parents, I could not let go of the feeling of failure, all too aware that I was only one person trying to care for three. Your hatred was my hatred, and when I finally rid myself of you, the hatred left as well, unable to sustain itself amongst a tight knit family that truly and unconditionally love each other. My kids have forgiven me for being human and we've moved on, closer and happier than ever.

Your nasty phone calls and texts are like the summer gnats that serve no real purpose. And like those bugs that briefly disappear for a season or two before popping up to annoy us by hovering around and trying to get attention, rest assured that your efforts are wasted, because honestly, none of us misses you at all.

Even though you're finally gone, I am haunted by the fact that as long as I carry these truths, I am stuck with you.

So I am letting them go—in my own virtual Chinese lantern. They are heavy, laden with ugliness and burdens I shouldn't have had to bear. If they sink instead of floating to Heaven, they will take their rightful place in Hell, far away from those of us who struggle to live in the light despite people like you who work hard at mucking up the works.

It doesn't matter whether or not you read this, because none of this was ever about you. It was always about me. In every other situation, I could easily see the lesson, and at some point I'd appreciate the role it played in my life. In your case, I was given hints and clues, but I needed a brick to fall on my head. You were the brick and that's where your significance ends.

As I shout out for truth and freedom from secrets, I no longer give that legal document or that metal band permission to act as excuses for bad behavior. I shed them, letting go so that I am free to immerse myself in honesty and happiness, two looks that fit every body type.

  

 

Let It All Go And Do You

BECOME AWARE: http://www.adweek.com/adfreak/bruised-woman-billboard-heals-faster-more-passersby-look-her-163297
 

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at https://www.amazon.com/dp/0615726313

FOLLOW me on Twitter, Facebook, Google +, and CF_Winn on Instagram.

I Love You

As you go through your day:    

www.readsuki.com

1. Try to remember that you don't know what is going on in someone's life. They may not bump into you because they don't care but because they are distracted by a problem they are trying to work out.

2. A smile can change the outcome of a day. If you've ever felt unloved, it's nice to be acknowledged, even if it's by a total stranger.

3. Children come here as pure, untarnished angels. They are not to be abused, belittled, or ignored. Watch them light up when their parents look at them with love instead of disapproval. That's the face of God.

4. Bad moods are sometimes contagious. If you're having a hard day, that's ok, but don't deliberately infect the rest of us. We need to be there for you if you fall.

5. Are you present? For yourself first and others later? How can you give love if you don't know what it is? Can you make time for others if you never have any? How do you spread joy if you never feel it?

This post is dedicated to my sister, friend, loving mother and wife, Linda, and to her dedicated partner, husband, and best friend Morten. May they always feel supported and loved by their family, friends, and God. This energy will carry us through this life and onto the next. With this connection, we will never be separated, no matter the plane.

Pass on this message of love. It is the most important thing you can accomplish in this life.

For every reader that stops by: All is well. You are forever loved.







CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.


You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO