Seven Reasons Why The Grass Is Not Always Greener

If we women loved ourselves like we love shoes, chocolate, and hot guys who have lost the power to speak, life would be so much easier. It's the self talk that kills us. That little inner voice that whines, gripes, and has no obvious off switch can destroy our happiness - and sometimes an amazing orgasm.

There will always be haters out there, but the reality is that most people are huge fans or they are so wrapped up in themselves that our flaws don't even make their priority list. My mission today is to enlighten you about how little your shortcomings matter when our society has so many bigger things to worry about - like picking the right filter for selfies, computer screen glare, or staring at a full refrigerator while thinking, I never have anything good to eat!   

While you're busy bad mouthing yourself, other people are usually thinking something totally different about you. They don't know your angst, don't care, and are lost in their own thoughts, totally oblivious to the fact that you are being held hostage by a voice who will never know the extreme pleasure-pain of a full on brain freeze:                        

You (looking in the mirror): "I'm so fat! My belly button is going to have me arrested for trying to choke it to death with my waistband!"
BF (looking at you from the sofa in between football plays): "My girl is so sexy. Look at that how those jeans hug her body...oh dang! That touchdown was nice!"

You (unable to brag on Facebook): "Who else wins $1,000 in a songwriting contest, only to have the president of the record company die before you get the prize?! Everything always happens to me!"
Your FB friends and frenemies: "If that bitch posts one more pic about a trip she took, or a freebie she got at some event, I'm going to punch her in her neck!"

You: I'm too busy and so overwhelmed! I just had to text a Happy Birthday to my Nana instead of leaving a voicemail!"
Nana: "Oh good. My granddaughter texted instead of calling. I was not going to pick up the call and miss another episode of Shark Tank, and I have no idea what the password to my voicemail is. Wait. What's with the birthday present emoji?? She'd better be getting me a real gift!"

You: "I have no friends."
Your Instagram followers: "How does someone Instagram their ingrown toenail and get 300 likes in ten minutes??"

You (on line at Starbucks): "Why is he looking at me? Did I sit in salsa again?"
Random Guy (on line at Starbucks): "She's so hot. But if I stop to talk to her, my wife's latte will get cold."

You: "I say such stupid things sometimes."
Anyone listening to you: "I love the way her lip curls when she says banana rotted underwear."

You (hearing the doorbell ring): "Oh my God. Mary's here and the house is a mess!"
Mary: "What is going on in here? That bitch is hiding the wine from me!"

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, is published by Shorehouse Books and has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

You can now order SUKI in paperback on Amazon or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com or by calling (631) 271-1442. Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html
More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO 

EGOTIATION

I have been searching for winter wear for my kids for weeks now. Although we'll be soggy when we're tubing, and dirty when we shovel muddy piles of the white stuff from the driveway, fashion is still a high priority when choosing just the right gear.

I call it "Egostylin'"; the idea that money is no object (since these kids aren't laying it out)and that the world is depending on them to look a certain way whether or not we can see those pink snow pants in twenty-one inches of snow.

My son has almost everything, but we're stuck on boots. We've run into some issues when it comes to his footwear: Not only do they need to be "ego-right", but they've got to be sturdy, very, very waterproof, and not cost as much as an iPod,which is a problem because he's wearing a men's size.

I was sent to Kohl's by the "ego-midgets" to look for, among other things, black moccasins. Seizing the opportunity, Max came with me, and I told him to find boots while I searched the rest of the shoe department. A few minutes later, he caught me looking for Mary Jane platforms instead of the moccasins,(Hey! If you live with it long enough, there's bound to be some "ego-leak"!). Luckily he was on a crazy "ego-high" and didn't notice that I looked like a scoliosis patient in dire need of a brace. (I was only wearing one heel and was tipped precariously to the left)

He excitedly announced that he had the perfect "solution" to the winter boot problem...TOE SHOES!

I stared.

And so he began "egotiating". He said, "What Mom? They're more waterproof than any boots, they're cheaper, and I'll even give up my cell phone if that's what it takes..."

I knew that it was a ridiculous idea. One stride into a snowdrift and his ankle would be painfully cold. His feet looked webbed and frog-like as he wiggled his toes and smiled at me. They wear mittens instead of gloves in the cold because separating the digits makes your hands freeze more. The same had to be true of the toes.

But at that moment I was proud. My little boy was growing up. Despite the fact that Toe Shoes are man's ode to stupid ideas, my son had let go, and was prepared to give up an "ego-device" for the greater good.

I had clearly done a good job with him, but suddenly another feeling crept in. What about my reputation? I had to wonder, would his friends still think I was the cool parent if I agreed to let him give up his phone?

Uh oh...is there such a thing as "ego-transference?"


 CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.