Canada: Land of the Shiny and New

I just got back from Canada. After seeing the falls from the Buffalo side, I had to plan a trip to see it from our neighbor's perspective. It would be my kids' first time out of the country, we could break in our new passports, and according to the Groupon ads, everything is shiny and new in Canada.

In the distance is the promised land!

The last time I had been to the Falls, I had squirmed uncomfortably as I rode through the ghetto that surrounded our national treasure. Instead of feeling like there was a permanent red carpet rolled out for one of Nature's most amazing creations, it looked like someone had tried to tidy up the foyer, but then let the dog in--the one with the muddy feet and weak bladder who was constantly chewing on everything.

There were throngs of tourists walking over the Rainbow Bridge. We watched them, our noses and cheeks pressed against the dirty glass of the observation deck as bodies elbowed us on all sides. But without a passport or enhanced ID, my family could not join them in the promised land of the grass is always greener in Canada.

The NY Falls are beautiful!

Still on the NY side.

Finally, after five years, we loaded up the car for an overnight trip, sure that we'd be there in time for breakfast--waffles and eggs that were fluffier and more delicious than ours because everything is better in Canada!

Eight hours, three pee stops, and some over-salted Roy Rogers chicken later, we rolled into the edge of New York. First, I pissed off Border Patrol by planting myself way over the designated stop line. It was like a pharmacy, where every visitor was given his own private consultation and the rest of us were supposed to keep our distance while they discussed embarrassing things like incontinence and excessive gas.

I was told to back up, and by the time my front tires were behind the white line, I was beckoned impatiently to come forward. I knew I had been bad and that made me nervous, so I forgot to change gears and almost rammed into the person behind me--an elderly couple who I was sure was Canadian and therefore nicer than us Americans. Until they beeped aggressively and gave me the finger.

Finally, I pulled up to the booth and tried to explain myself to a completely uninterested border patrol guard who frowned and demanded that I take off my glasses and roll down the back window--because I obviously was hiding my son--who had passed out with his mouth open and had drool flowing from his new braces like the Niagara River.

When he asked me what I did for a living, I launched into a full job description like I was in the most important interview of my life. Halfway through my second sentence, he waved me off as if saying, I'm done with you, please get out of my face before I punch you in the throat.

We drove over the border, windows still open. Crisp, clean air filled the car, pushing out the stench of stale french fries and hours old coffee. The rush of The Falls greeted us like new neighbors, and we all smiled, lost in our own thoughts:

- Me: I can't wait to see the Buddhist Temple!
- Bella: Maybe there's a place to hike all the way down to the Niagara River!
- Max: I wonder if they use Canadian bacon in the Crunchwraps at their Taco Bells?

Fry Coma

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE.  

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

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Hoy Es Chocolate Chip

Once a week for one hour, I used to teach preschoolers basic Spanish. I did  it for five years and the teachers at the school were appreciative. From 1pm-2pm on Thursdays, they got a well deserved break, and the kids in their classes were offered the opportunity to learn how to annoy adults in another language.

I had twenty-five students from many different backgrounds. Some were African American or West Indian, some were mature for their age, some were gifted and some, not so much. But I loved teaching these kids. Every week, somebody learned something, and every week, there was a new story to tell.

For example, one day, my ADD girl, Erin, decided to unbutton her shirt while I was teaching. We weren't doing clothing like last year when Michael, a twin, drew genitals on the androgynous body form we were supposed to be dressing.(His sister, Laura, had the same idea and drew breasts on her paper...damn twin telepathy)

This time, we were going over the alphabet. When she did it, Erin went up to her regular teacher and complained that she didn't know how to button back up. Her teacher said, "Oh no. You got yourself into this mess, now you can get yourself out." Erin is one of my gifted students, but without something to keep her occupied, we lose her. Little did we all know what not getting her clothes straightened out would lead to.

She stomped away from her teacher, frustrated that she wasn't going to get any help,but she plopped down silently in the middle of the kids on the rug. I continued the lesson. I turned my back and pointed to the letter "H". Erin screamed at the top of her lungs, "HACHE!". I spun around quickly and saw her raise both of her hands in triumph but almost choke on her shirt, which was now around her neck like a scarf. Both arms were out of the sleeves and she wasn't wearing an undershirt. I made eye contact with her teacher as Erin was airlifted out of the group and her look clearly said, "You're welcome."

Score one for education in America. No one gets left behind.

Little Michael only spoke Polish. I managed to break through slightly and teach him the phrase, "Me llamo". He also had ADD. The same day, after the Erin incident, I had him sit with me as I struggled to continue teaching. Every once in a while, just so I wouldn't lose him, I would ask him questions. I'd say,"Michael, cual es la fecha de hoy?" He was very enthusiastic as he yelled, "ME LLAMO MICHAEL!" in my ear. (I have to admit,that was a far better answer than the kid who responded "Chocolate Chip", when I asked the same question.)

Most of the time he fidgeted. I put him on my lap so I could control his movements a little better. He faced the class, but his back was to me. Eventually, he started trying to kick a little boy in the face that was sitting in front of us. And someone in the back of the room informed me that Michael was picking his nose every time I wasn't holding his hands to keep him from grabbing the decorations off of the wall.

With fifty minutes still left, and the teachers off to the side eating a snack and gossiping, Nicholas sat in between ten kids coughing up a lung. No one ever moved him out of the crowd.

By the time I got home, I felt like I needed a bath. What's the Spanish for Valium?


 CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html