Monday, December 8, 2014

10 Things I Wish ELF ON A SHELF Would Post On Social Media

 1. On Instagram: That face the woman who bought me makes when she bites into the half a cake she snuck into the laundry room. Sorry men.When it comes to cake, there's no #FakingIt.

2. On Linked In: Why you should congratulate Marny for being a great ELF ON A SHELF owner:

- I owe her one for hooking me up with Barbie three or four nights a week.
- Whenever I take a dump around the house or on her Christmas cookies, she squeals, "Let me grab
   the camera!" instead of getting mad. 
- And there's booze.

  3. On Facebook: It wasn't a windstorm that blew me right off of the shelf. Taco Bell needs to start posting warnings regarding teenage boys...

4. On Twitter: @MomOf4 That stuff you didn't scrape off the bottom of the coffee table before putting me there? It's exactly what you thought it was. #ElfProbs

5. On Tumblr: I saw Mommy trying out positions with ELF ON A SHELF #NewChristmasSongs #NaughtyList #SexyElf

6. On Facebook: The broken lamp was not my fault. I was set up.

7. On Twitter: @CrazyForCanines The dog you rescued is without a doubt not fixed. Maybe next time you won't put me so close to the dog's bed.

8. On Pinterest: Four More Uses For Your ELF ON A SHELF:

- Drinking Buddy - He prefers wine or beer
- Surrogate - Put him in several sexual positions so you can see which ones won't make you look like an injured elephant
- Audience Member - When you sing Taylor Swift songs at the top of your lungs while vacuuming
- Confidante - Strip down naked and ask him if you look fat. He'll smile at you as if you're hotter than Barbie and will not mention that your cellulite looks like the three bowls of mashed potatoes you inhaled last night.

9. On Facebook: Holy Crap! Why does the two year old keep putting me in the toilet and calling it a pool? Things just got real.

10. On Tumblr: New Christmas game. Every time the humans sing "Let It Go" Elsa and I will off another reindeer.

Photo Credits: Google Images

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at  or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: 

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor. 

FOLLOW me on TwitterFacebook, Google +, and CF_Winn on Instagram.

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