Saturday, April 6, 2013


I have been noticeably absent from blogging lately because I have been dying a slow, painful death. It's been a few weeks and I've kept that secret to myself, but now, I'm finally ready to announce it to the world:

"Hello, my name is CF Winn, and I am a mortalaholic."

Now, while I know that death is inevitable, there is no guarantee that the dying period we call life is going to be a cakewalk. That is all up to the individual, and, most times, when it comes to that, the majority of us are dumb as a box of rocks. Even me. As far as I am concerned, I've been a vegetable for the past few weeks.

I know you're all shocked. How could the fun, frisky blogger you've all come to depend on for life advice have fallen so hard, so fast?

I'm not sure that I have the answer to that, but I can tell you that recently I came close to slipping back into the jaws of corporate America, where working hard and barely making ends meet has been the mantra of the common-folk since about 2006.

Sadly, once I started back up again, I was hooked. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop. Here was an opportunity to make money, so I had to suck it up and just do it...but at what cost?

None of my bills disappeared and I was so miserable, that I was moody and began overeating. Almost ten pounds and a few screaming matches later, I remembered why I was so happy when my hours were cut at my job a few months ago.

Every so often, my very talented blogger friend, +Stacey Roberts, temporarily hibernates, stating mortality as his reason: "Yes I find my mortality quite frustrating. There are times when I wish I'd enjoyed more of my misspent youth. When you total up all the reasons my books haven't been written, or why the hot girl I liked in high school (who was willing, BT dubs) wasn't sullied, the excuses make me sound like a little girl. With the attendant fear that I may not do any better with the time I have left."

Well my friend, I have a treat for you. Not only have I come out of my funk, but your favorite #hashnag (Hock mit chynek) is back. I am officially turning your own words on you. In list form. With links to your comedic posts.

Readers, please click on the colorful words if any of the references are unclear while I unleash my take on the Staceyisms I have come to know and love.

Disclaimer: I'm not saying that you have to follow this advice. I'm just saying that if you're going for greatness, the moonwalk is not going to cut it.

 Five Reasons To Do What You Love According To 

1.Red Onions and Unwashed Produce Will Take You Far

Carol, his mom, had it right when she said, "SSStace...when it's your time to go, it's your time to go." She may end up dying of the arsenic poisoning or bad breath, but no matter what, things will end on her terms.
So many of us spend time worrying about the rules and we're not even the ones that made them up! Where's the fun in that? And worse yet, whose life do we end up living?
In the spirit of Stacey's love of lists, compile your own, make sure it reflects you and your beliefs, and then commit to it.

2.Girls Are Weird

I can't speak for all girls, but I can speak for girls like me. We are weird. We like substance more than surface. We like guys who are is a strong aphrodisiac...I kid you not. Anyone who is using is my kind of addict. Boys who smile and go for their dreams SHOULD apply here...I'm just sayin'.
When you walk in a room, your very presence should scream, "Honeychild, I'm (insert your name here), What?!"

3. It's Time To Take Off The Sundress and Urine Soaked Panties...

...but keep on the frilly hat and never stop giggling like a little schoolgirl. In other words, stop being afraid and have fun!

4.It Worked For Jesus

This would not be a post powered by the spirit of Stacey if I did not include at least one stab at an historical reference. This is so not my forte, but here goes:
If Jesus had listened to the Devil when he tried to deter him from his true path, what would've become of us Goyims? One person's effort can have a tremendous impact on everyone.
Satan promised that if Jesus followed him, he'd live a luxurious life and never die...when we slave away at the American Dream, we do so with similar beliefs, but in reality our souls die...slowly and painfully while our bodies live on until they are riddled with regret and despair and the stench of unrealized goals...get the picture? 

Hologramming dead celebrities is becoming a thing. If we could hologram Jesus, he'd be like, "Seriously? I fasted and overcame temptation so you could stuff yourself with Xanax and live like zombies? Dude, I passed on the bread even though I was starving! WTF?"


I wrote this post in traffic. At red lights. Longhand. In my mileage log that I use for tax purposes. Doing what I loved made my stop and go, forty-five minute ride, seem like a fifteen minute party in my head.

In honor of appreciating the fact that I can do what I love, even when I'm doing something I may not love so much, I will add a short sub list:

a. "Men are weird. Most of the time they don’t want what they have, to make room for the equally ridiculous fact that they really want what they can’t have."-Stacey Roberts
b."Your approach is spot-on. Be Imperial about it." - Stacey Roberts
c."I love lists! Especially nested lists!" - Stacey Roberts
d.That awkward moment when you realize that your sub list is meaningless, but you post it anyway...see Reason blog, my rules, my life... #TheEnd

 CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE


MaryMargaret said...

She is back!!! How can being happy be hard? Personally, I think it was just cabin fever and a time honored tradition of SAD. Feel yourself succumbing to "is winter over yet?" Before anyone else sinks remember there is always reading and writing to be done. For some of us, that is enough! Not to mention that we all have our great dysfunctional families, to enjoy, in addition to our crazy friends and ever amusing pets (sorry Lassie had to go Stacey! Still a little mad at your Mom for that one!) As long as CFWinn, Javier Robayo, Stacey Roberts, Monica La Porta, Elise Stokes, Melissa Foster and a gazillion other indies and old school published's are writing, blogging or even facebooking, I am entertained! But yes, I noticed you were absent, CF, and feel the world just got brighter knowing you are back!!!

Robbie Cox said...

Welcome back! And breaking the rules to go after your dreams is what life should be about. Once I gave up the ghost of the day job, my sanity returned even though the paychecks were smaller. You live once so you might as will live! Great post Christina!

Monica said...

Welcome back, Christina! Love when serious posts make me laugh. On a personal note, use the evilness of Corporate to achieve your dream. One red light at a time.

Stacey Roberts said...

It takes a complex and intricate mind to take my blog posts and bring in Jesus. Your hiatus served you well. (Mom - if you're reading this, I'm shaking my head too. I mean, what is it with the shiksas, right? I could just plotz, whatever that is)!

But seriously, this is the kind of advice we need to keep in front of us. I know I'm not alone in feeling like a 16-year old in my head, occasionally wondering who in their right mind gave me imperial authority over children, pets, employees, a car, a house, and a podcast. Then I remember that I'm ____-two. That's when I tend to flee the weighty press of grown-uppedness and hibernate.

However, nothing productive ever came of sleeping in a cave, living off stored body fat and last season's salmon, dreaming of springtime forests and alluring lady bears.

Even if you have to negotiate a hard compromise between doing what you love and doing what you have to, remember that many roads lead to Rome. (That, BT dubs, because I can't help myself, was a historical reference).

Never lose sight what makes you truly immortal: the Spawn who carry your DNA and tales of your quirkiness, so that even a hundred years from now your name will still be spoken aloud. And, as ever, your words on a page...