Sunday, October 7, 2012


I'm just going to come right out and say it: Size DOES matter.

In fact, there's nothing more important...that is, if you're talking about the amount of joy in your life.

I'm not trying to play games though. I honestly had this epiphany while I was listening to a radio show talk about penis size.
Don't judge.        
Instead try and follow my stream of consciousness:
-Men from Ecuador made the TOP TEN LIST of "Pleasantly Packing"
-The literal translation of Ecuador is Equator
-LA MITAD DEL MUNDO is located in Ecuador and tourists can straddle the Equator there
-LA MITAD DEL MUNDO is one of the places I want to visit before I die
-Bucket List

I know what you're thinking.

The glaringly obvious question is: Why isn't having a meaningless, but passionate night with a man from Ecuador on my bucket list?
Answer: It's MY list. Go make your own.

I mean that. No matter how old you are, go make that bucket list...and keep up with it. Some things will change, but others... not so much.
What's on your list?
If you're young, you think you won't have the same dreams and goals as when you're my age...but, when I was twelve, owning a pair of designer jeans and being popular would have done it... and now, FITTING into ANY jeans comfortably, and seeing more than one "like" on a Facebook post (from my mom) keeps me going each morning.

Seize the moment.

It was Homecoming Weekend. On Friday I went to the Pep Rally and had a great time watching all of the talented performances and cheering for the school teams as they were announced.

Afterwards, I found out that the Boys Varsity Volleyball Team was going on a "Fast Food Fiesta". They were going to hit up Taco Bell, McDonalds, Wendy's, etc to buy food, take pics, and then go back to one location, eat it all, and probably puke. These guys were going to have a fun (and gross!) story to tell their kids and grandkids later in life.

I, on the other hand, was going to take three Juniors over to the Firehouse to build their float, then go home with my two Middle-Schoolers, eat whatever stale Cheez-It crumbs they left on the bottom of the box for me, and probably fall asleep on the couch while watching a DVR'd episode of Greys Anatomy.                                    
Is he still breathing?

When faced with a reality as bleak as that, it was kind of hard not to feel like an Epic Fail.

Never a victim, I decided then and there, that I was not going out like that. I told the Juniors that next year, when they are Seniors, on Homecoming weekend, we're going to rent a party van, and that we'll be the ones overeating and puking our guts out. They loved the idea. We agreed to start our "Tour of Trans Fat" at Starbucks, and end at Auntie Anne's, even if it meant driving all the way to the Mall.

Wait. Pause.

As soon as I said, Starbucks, we all felt a "contact rush" and got very excited. The girls would be up late putting the finishing touches on the class float, so we decided to go on a practice run and get some caffeine.

And then it happened.

A stroke of brilliance...                          
Need caffeine stat!

I told them that I would drive them to get some Starbucks, but if we saw the Boys Varsity Volleyball Team, along the way, I would pull over in the parking lot of the fast food joint they were at. I wanted them to get out and steal some food from the boys for me...well, all that talk about burgers and tacos had me kind of hungry...

Everybody was in...except for my high school daughter. Her boyfriend was on the team and she was worried that we'd embarrass him. We all boo'd her till she finally agreed that it would be ok as long as she wasn't the one to take his food. I haven't been out of school so long that I don't remember the power of peer pressure...

And so we drove...

We spotted the boys about a block from Starbucks. They were on the street, no food in hand. We beeped and yelled to them, but drove on. The scent of roasted coffee beans was just too strong to resist... and besides, they had nothing for us to eat.

And just as we passed them, my daughter's boyfriend lifted his shirt and exposed his chest...I'm sure that was his way of saying, "You guys are so cool!"

But then, after we loaded up on java heaven...we drove up on them again...

This time they were in Burger King. My stomach screamed.

I pulled into BK's parking lot and informed my crew, "This is not a drill!"

My soldiers readied themselves and I gave them their instructions: "Your mission, if you choose to accept it is onion rings".

I was confident that my Advanced Placement kids were quick and would be up for the challenge...


Both of my daughters and (teen) Christina headed straight for the playground. (The one that's there for the toddlers who pick their noses then ride the never ending slide, leaving a trail of green slimy booger on the plastic behind them.)

Kayla, however, charged the counter and spotted the sack of onion rings in Boyfriend's hand. She grabbed for it and when the struggle ensued, she looked around for back up. It was then that she realized that she'd been left to battle alone. Max and I were in the car, parking and getting the camera ready so we could document our victory.

I rushed into an ugly scene.   
Onion rings make some of us crazy
Some woman was telling the girls that they had to get out of the playground room and leave the Burger King. Boyfriend had wrestled the onion rings out of Kayla's hands and was complaining that she had crushed them, slyly guaranteeing himself a second set for free.

I pretended to be the older sister, afraid for the punishment my younger siblings would surely receive when they got home if they didn't start behaving. (I felt compelled to explain to the woman that they kept mistakenly calling me "Mom" because they were so traumatized by the incident)

When we got back into the car, we had a choice to make. We could call the night an Epic Fail because we hadn't succeeded in our mission, or we could open the windows and scream "YOLO!" and startle everyone into living their lives and having fun.

Time to reevaluate.

After that weekend I can say that those who want to label teens as loud, obnoxious, and trouble, might want to step back in time a bit and join in:

Thanks to the Juniors, on Friday night I got to be 16 again, just enjoying friends, freedom, and fun.

On Saturday, the tailgaters that offered me "soda" and high fives at the Homecoming Parade took me back to 21, the age of young adulthood, where independence and responsibility required careful balance, but offered much joy.

And as for the guy who followed me into 7-11 and gave me his number, all I can say is, thanks for showing me that it's possible to still have "it" any age.

Death is the ultimate equalizer. 

No matter who or what you were here, you'll still die.

There's a passage from "The Untethered Soul" that talks about how at the moment of death, one might say something like, "But Death, I need more time!"
And Death might answer, "Just this past year, I gave you 365 days. What did you do with it?"

Take a moment...what DID you do with it?

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at  or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE.  

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

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1 comment:

Stacey Roberts said...

CF Winn hooks her readers like no one else. Even with the catastrophic news that size does matter and that you only live once. And death is the ultimate equalizer. Only a writer with CF's talent can keep me interested after that sunshine trifecta. Like all of her work, this story is a wild, joyous ride.