A Cliche In The Hand Is Worth Nothing In the Bush

I've been told that I can be frustrating to talk to. I've been told I rarely answer questions the way I am expected to. 

When I was little, my mother would tell people that I march to the beat of my own drum. She was mostly right except for I am the drum, I am the DJ, I am the whole dang band. I came here to shake this party up. To provoke, to challenge, to inspire.

I feel like it's important to stay true to who I am. To be honest. Sometimes when I answer a question, the asker's face knots up. Or their eyebrows lift into surprised question marks. Some stay and banter. But way too many excuse themselves. They leave the conversation that they started and I'm left wondering, if you knew what you wanted to hear, if you thought you knew the answer I was going to give, why did you ask the question in the first place? 

I guess talking to me can be kind of frustrating. I'm blunt. I'm to the point. And while some people enjoy that kind of thing and will engage with me, there are others who don't. I tell stories that start as an adventure and end in a life lesson, but I love a good punchline as much as the next guy. Unfortunately, I have learned that my way is not everyone's way.

One afternoon, I was hanging out at a mom-friend's house when her sister-in-law stopped by. My friend let her in, but before she could say hi, her sister-in-law's eyes went right to my friend's hip. She unzipped her jacket and spoke in one fluid motion, "Where's the baby?", as if one action could not exist without the other. Then, she looked around, like she was trying to help my friend find the baby so she could be whole again. As if without the baby, she was unfit to entertain. As if moms have nothing interesting to talk about if a story doesn't start with diapers and end in spit up.

My friend answered, "He's taking a nap."

I watched. It seemed as if the whole thing was scripted:

Scene 1:  <Visitor distributes the obligatory hello hug while speaking> "Will he sleep tonight?"

I have heard this conversation many times. I've been part of this act; the weary mom, dressed in my barf stained t-shirt, just trying to grab a moment or two of normalcy, of something that belongs to me the person, not me the mom.  I wish more for my friend, even though I know better. Even though I have lived every line of this same scene.

Something in me took over. It probably stemmed from a connection only us exhausted mothers know. I needed to save my friend. Less than five minutes before her sister-in-law arrived, she had confessed that she needed to go back to work. That she missed her job and Friday night happy hours. Not conversations like the one her sister-in-law was dragging her into. So, I yelled from the couch, "No. Of course he won't sleep tonight, but she knew that when she put him down. She told me that she's trying to create a new group of humans. Ones who don't sleep at night. Just to shake things up. She said she's gonna start with this kid and then any babies after this one will be the same way. Then, their kids and grandkids won't sleep at night either."

I paused for the sister-in-law's reaction. Is she mad? Is she confused? Who cares? Keep going, it's funny! "I think she can do it. I mean, look at her. Clearly, she doesn't need any sleep at all, otherwise, how could she possibly pull off such a grand plan?"

Did I need to be snarky? Maybe not. Did it change the conversation and make the visit a lot more fun? You better believe it did. Would the other person think twice before sleepwalking through a conversation again? I hope so.

She asked a mom this question. This mom who has her hands free. HER HANDS ARE FREE! She is not nursing or making bottles or changing diapers or giving baths or holding anyone in her lap. She is not listening to babbling and she is not baby talking back to her kid. She will multitask at bedtime tonight, because that's what moms do. She will fall into her bed while praying that her child sleeps through the night—because whether he naps in the afternoon or not, this kid is still adjusting to being on the outside of a warm belly, and he doesn't care what any of us think or expect.

That is only one example of one type of conversation. Not everyone we talk to will be a sleep deprived, adult conversation deprived mom. So, who are these people we talk to and how can we best enjoy chatting with them? 

My thought process is not for everybody, and I'm not perfect, but I try to stay actively engaged in my conversations. I try to really hear the person I am talking with while staying open minded and respectful of their opinions and their thought processes. If I catch myself waiting for a sentence to end just so I can say what is on my mind, I know I need to reel it in and bring myself back to the present moment. 

By doing this, the person I'm talking to gives me valuable gifts: I've laughed. I've learned things. I've accrued decades of perspectives heard and perspectives learned. I can either return the favor by bringing a new point of view to the table, or I can understand what we're talking about through different eyes. In my opinion, both are valuable to the energy we put out into the world. 

When did we stop seeing and hearing each other? And how did it happen? Have we grown tired of trying to be heard over all of the shouting? Over all of the opinions being shoved down the throats of those willing to swallow them? 

I can't speak for others. Their thoughts aren't mine and they shouldn't be. The differences between us are what keeps us balanced. They keep us moving forward and growing. Unfortunately though, I'm watching a platoon of angry robots armed with viral negativity slide in to silence our better halves. The scale is tipping. While sometimes we need the bad to see the good, the scale will completely tip over into nothing new and nothing special if we don't wake up. If we don't keep poking the robot until it reprograms itself to do better. Till it humanizes itself and works to create greater meaning and purpose. Till better habits are formed: I will listen. I will respect. I will try to do better. I will use my voice to spread positivity, gratitude, love. To open myself and others up into new perspective. To inspire.

Deaths have been plentiful this year. We've lost many celebrities, but my family and friends have also suffered a bunch of losses close to home. We've hit some real low points and because grief is so complex, these low points have stirred up plenty of mixed emotions and life lessons. 

I've felt it, I've watched it, I've talked about it with some of them, and I've found one thread through all of it. The people we have lost were neither good nor bad. At different points in their long and short lifetimes, they were both. Some were more colorful than others, but everyone had a story of their own. None of them were perfect, but they had another thing in common. Someone loved them enough to feel the loss. 

There was the man who took his own life to avoid the consequences of his shady and illegal dealings. He left behind a family. A grieving family that may have been shocked to discover his secret life. A family that he left to clean up his mess in the midst of their mourning. 

There was the last voicemail; an elderly relative asking for help with a task. It went ignored: Too busy. I'll do it tomorrow. The belief that this person will always to be around to annoy us with her favor asking. In the weeks before her death, when she knew that she didn't have much longer to live, she showed her generosity by giving away belongings while she could still see gratitude in the faces of the recipients.

There was the man who built a family of seven and a successful business from nothing. Once an example of strength and determination and moxy, dementia wore him down until his dependents became his caregivers. They fed him amd watched over him. They drew on his sense of family and his sound advice, so that they would have the tools to do right by him. As painful as it was to watch their role model deteriorate, their perspective about their own lives were changed during the process.

Lately, posts about pain and loss and depression are the norm. Hug emojis abound, and canned promises of prayers are always plentiful. We've heard it all: She was one of the good ones. Gone too soon. This is what he would have wanted. God has a plan.

I've struggled to make sense of feelings that have overwhelmed me and kept me from moving on; feelings like guilt or of not being enough. So, after my friend lost her dad and the well wishers had their say —Time heals all wounds. He's in a better place. These things happen for a reason. — I waited till she and I were alone before I said, "Tell me about him. Tell me why he was your hero." Her face lit up, and even though I could still see the pain of loss, I also saw love and pride. "A few weeks ago, I called to see how he was doing, and my mother said that he went to the office with his oxygen tank. It's so surreal. My son is never going to have another Grandson Sunday with him."

I asked, "Do you think that your son will carry on the tradition? Do you think he'll have Sundays with his kids or grandkids where he makes it a point to spend time fishing with them, or cooking with them, or whatever?" 

She smiled and answered without pausing, "I think so. I really hope so."

I said, "You know, a person isn't really forgotten until the last person who has a memory of them or knows their story is gone. If your son carries on the tradition and tells his kids and his grandkids how Grandson Sunday started, your dad will not be forgotten for a long, long time unless someone breaks that tradition or stops telling that story." Her smile was the solace I had hoped she'd feel while we talked. Then I continued, "But you know what I just thought of? Now I know the story. I'm a story teller who reaches many people, and I'm going to tell it. So now, your dad will be remembered even longer."

My friend hugged me. And when she tightened her arms and lingered a bit, I knew that she could feel that I'm here to support her. That she can talk to me, and I will really hear her. I truly believe if I had dared to utter one cliche, These things happen for a reason or Time heals all wounds, she would have felt no relief, and our conversation would have been very short.

Because I care, I will always risk being annoying by insisting that we speak in truths and perspectives without judgment, no matter what we are talking about. Until it sinks in that I see you. Until it sinks in that I hear you. Until all you want to do is give me a great big hug knowing that I will return it with the same force. I can take it.  

I want to hear how you think outside the box. I want to hear how you tore the whole thing apart and built a new box in those moments when the canned answer seemed like the only answer. 

And for those of you that build a whole new box, if you leave room for the Ring Dings we will enjoy with our crazy conversations—bonus points.

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of shorter novels that are meant to be read while on a lunch break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

The BOOKLIFE PRIZE (a division of Publisher's Weekly) has praised CF WINN's MOORE THAN MEETS THE EYE: "This novel is a unique and original storyline that readers will likely find much enjoyment in. Winn's fiercely plotted storyline makes for a suspenseful read. Every plot point feels as if it is being revealed at precisely the right moment. Winn's word choice makes for a joyful ride through unexpectedly dark terrain."

CF Winn's blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

FOLLOW her on Twitter, Facebook, and CF_Winn on Instagram

DOES YOUR LIP BUTTER HAVE ATTITUDE?

It used to be that the ONLY definition of the word ATTITUDE was: "A personal view of something"

Now, that definition has morphed almost exclusively into:
"an arrogant or assertive manner or stance assumed as a challenge or for effect".

The Real Housewives Of Petty

This new perspective on an old word has in fact been embraced. Sure, many will ask the question, "Why do you have such an attitude?" at least three or four hundred times in their lifetimes, but think about it.

Don't you secretly respect those with said attitude and back off when they start throwing it around?

I was in the drug store today and spotted something curious...a small yellow box that boasted of its contents...peach mango lip butter with an ATTITUDE!

Lip butter? Really?

And I'm sorry, but when I think of peach mango, attitude is not what comes to mind.

I got to thinking:
*How would one know if peach mango lip butter really did have an attitude?
*Would we feel a little sting when applying it?
*Would it have a bitter taste?

It doesn't really have to do anything.

Nowadays, if the box says it has attitude, that's good enough for the easily influenced consumer.

At the store, there was only one left on the shelf , and I thought,"Wow! This kind of advertising must really work!"

It shook me up a bit to think that BAD ASS sells better than POSITIVE ATTITUDE. 

And then I remembered the first time I met my friend, Val McKenna. We were chaperoning an elementary school trip to Fire Island and I was making polite conversation. We had just seen a small snake in the bushes and everyone got very excited. It made me miss an old friend, so I mentioned it.

Me: "Ya know, that snake has the same coloring as a boa constrictor I used to own."
Val: "You used to have a boa constrictor??...as a pet?!"
Me (tearing up): "Yeah, his name was Bart and we used to watch TV together."
Val: "Your SNAKE watched TV?!"
Me: "It was our special time. He used to crawl up in my hair to get warm. Then, he'd poke his head out on and lay it on top of mine. That's how we'd sit on the bed and watch our favorite shows."
Val: "Wow CF! You're really badass!"

I sniffled a few more times and thought of Bart in his hobo bag, hanging off my back, snuggled among useless trinkets I bought as I waded through countless street fairs and Octoberfests.

After pulling myself together, I contemplated what she had said. Was I really badass for sharing special moments with my beloved pet boa? It was hard to fathom, especially when I remembered that I was not the one who fed Bart. I would rather have died than touch those gross, vicious mice and rats that he ate!

When I look at Facebook posts or Tweets, I see that the more popular folks are the ones with obvious ATTITUDE.

For example, this post came to be from someone who thinks she can take on the government: "You are holding the country hostage to forward the agenda of the few. The FEW. Do not make me get on a bus to DC!"

And TKT, thanks for proving my point: "My library account said I was DELINQUENT. I kinda liked the sound of that. A quick renewal and I wasn't nearly as cool anymore."

With documentation like that, I had to concede, If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 

I mean, I want to sell books, don't I?

In an effort to be original, and in the interest of not stealing anyone's ad campaign, I googled a thesaurus and looked up ATTITUDE.

Five failed substitutions later, I had to admit that "KAFE CASTRO, the short story with TEMPERAMENT" doesn't pack the same punch as:

"KAFE CASTRO, the short story with the big ATTITUDE"

Now I get it.




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Scantily dressed, and confined to a Danish dental chair, one American woman is forced to relive her sexy, drug hazed past and confront her uncertain future in the first of CF Winn's COFFEE BREAK SERIES, KAFE CASTRO. Lindsey's unique imagination is further enhanced by an excessive amount of sweet air and an inability to spit. She drags the reader through her bizarre situation as she struggles to free herself and go home.

As you stumble along, you will be confronted by some serious questions. Is there a conspiracy to keep this young lady from being who she is truly meant to be? Is Fidel Castro alive and well and walking the streets of Copenhagen? And who exactly is the crazy topless woman?

Kafe Castro keeps the reader in stitches with its wit, humor, and the nagging sense that this could happen to you. Or has it already? If you’ve ever woken up naked in Pervy Robe Guy's backyard…

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CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback or digital on Amazon or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores.  Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE.  

CF Winn's blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

Write Tips: The MILF Factor

Every school yard has one...the single mother. The MILF.

She's easily identified as the pretty young thing that sashays onto the blacktop wearing tight, revealing clothes. She flirts with all of the dads. She's a threat, waiting for the perfect moment to bed as many husbands as possible.

Writers! Ready to take pen to the paper?

YAWN!

Write Tip #1:Don't Stereotype

That woman is the typical mid life crisis, wet dream kind of story...exciting, but only to the guy who wakes up having to wash his sheets the next day. The MILF fantasy from the perspective of the horny guy and the jealous wife is predictable on and off the pages.

Take a look:

Today, a man phone-tapped his wife on Z-100. He had Danielle Monaro pose as the notorious single mother and call to ask if said man would "swing by her house and put a shelf up". The wife was not happy. She called her husband and sarcastically bestowed on him the title of, "Friendly Guy of the Year". She informed Danielle that she felt comfortable speaking for all of the mothers at school by saying that Danielle had overstepped by taking her hubby up on his offer to "give her a hand if she ever needed it".

And there you have it.

The stereotypic response to a woman who calls this couple's house and DOESN'T hang up when the wife answers. They have an entire conversation, and the big bad single mother states that she isn't looking to sleep with the woman's husband. Shockingly, the wife doesn't believe her.

Then the husband admits to having regular dialogue with this woman and to offering her assistance, but still, his agenda must be to sneak around and have an affair.

Snooze, cat nap, deep sleep...

Wifey also addressed the single mom's wardrobe. She said she comes to pick up her kids with her boobs falling out. Wow! Wardrobe malfunctions at the elementary school! Where do THEY live?

Let's jump out of crazy jealous Wifey's head, and into one of a sane person.

Has anyone who's ever gotten a boob job done it with the intention of hiding them behind high necked, loosely fitting clothes? Most teens and twenty somethings, or even those that look like them, show it as long as they can, fearing in the back of their minds that one day they may not have it to show anymore.

Juices should be flowing...inching over into another perspective...wait for it...

Why is this woman single?

Write Tip #2: Build the character.

Is she divorced? Is she a widow? Was she never married but left alone to raise her baby-daddy's kids?

Suddenly, this threat is a human being with some depth.

Would a woman in any one of these situations feel so bad that she might feel she needs a little attention just to get through the day? Maybe it's not YOUR HUSBAND she's after, but an anonymous glance.

And here's one to chew on: Did she dress that way, not for your husband, but for the guy at work she's interested in? And she doesn't have time to change before picking up the kids?

I was that single mother.

I had three kids and didn't look like it. Blessed with good genes, I looked ten years younger than my actual age. I wasn't willing to dress in the standard sweatpants and t-shirt uniform I so often see at school pickups. I was working multiple jobs and feeling bad about the situation my kids and I were in. I knew that if I let myself go completely, I'd never recover. When someone was nice enough to say "Hello" to me, I certainly wasn't going to be rude or turn down adult conversation.

Not A MILF. Just A Mom.

WRITE TIP #3: Perspective

From the perspective of this single mother, I spent a long time mourning the loss of partnership...not looking for it. When I was finally ready to get back out there, I wasn't looking for a guy who was already taken, or one with kids. I already had three.

I would have loved it if someone would have shown me some kindness by offering to help me out with anything. I didn't have the time, energy or know-how to do many of the things that needed to get done. If a man would have come to help and brought his wife along, maybe she and I could have been friends. I would have been so grateful because being the single girl can be awfully lonely and isolating at times.

On behalf of MILFs everywhere, do we want your husbands, the middle aged, beer bellied, balding guys we see at the schoolyard?

Write Tip #4: Take The Plot Less Traveled

There are often many sides to a story, and exploring them can mean writing the next great hit.

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE. 

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now: http://www.amazon.com/Trailer-Trash-With-Girls-Name-ebook/dp/B00IX0MIAO