Where in the World is Roy G. Biv??

Roy G. Biv had the right idea when he made the rainbow—keep it simple. 

Once upon a time, seven colors were plenty, and if you needed variety, you tie dyed something. It worked for a while, when times were simpler and Firebirds were cool. Back then, muscle cars trumped station wagons—the end. That's as complicated as it got.

Then technology and hipster smart asses came in and mucked it all up. Suddenly Violet wasn't good enough, and Pep In Your Step became the nail color du jour—that name reminds me of the supplements I take so that I don't fall asleep, face first, in my lunch. Pep In Your Step shouldn't be purple. It should be a fluorescent yellow or green—like my pee after I take my mid-life vitamins. 

Why is red not good enough?

I'm no color prude; I'll allow you Light Red, Crayola Crayon Red, and Dark Red, but I draw the line at "Over and Over A-Gwen". By that name, how am I supposed to know that that color is any shade of red?? What if I need to run to the store real quick? If I'm faced with names like that, I can't just grab a lipstick that matches my Mary Jane Platforms and go. Instead I've got to first solve that puzzle. At least give me some witty word play to work with! #everygirlneedstobewellred

According to Kissmetrics, color affects purchases more than sound, smell, or texture. If this is true, then consumers need help.

My son and I were in CVS yesterday. We were so overwhelmed by the color choices that we decided it's time we took back the rainbow. We are starting our own makeup line. We will call it BODY MOVEMENTS.

Since we're competing with mascaras that are black, ebony, barely black, nearly black, and wanna be black although I'm actually grey, we have to ditch Roy G. Biv for descriptions that really stick with the consumer. And how do you create five different shades of black anyway? Answer: You stick obscure names on the same hue and think you're fooling everyone.

So BODY MOVEMENTS will be compiled of colors that are not only distinct, but will also burn an image onto the brain of the customer. For example: Chipotle Run Mascara, Breastfed Baby Eyeshadow—yellow powder with chunks of glitter, Buckets of Bile Nail Color, Chapped Lips Gloss, and Stop The Violence Blue Eyeliner.

In the end, it's all about the impression you leave with your demographic. 

Our product line takes Going Green to a whole new level: Is Nose Booger perfect for your special night? Or maybe Spoiled Stomach will finally get him to propose....

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.  The sequel, WHEN DWAYNE DIED, is coming soon.

The BOOKLIFE PRIZE (a division of Publisher's Weekly) describes CF WINN's MOORE THAN MEETS THE EYE: "This novel is a unique and original storyline that readers will likely find much enjoyment in. Winn's fiercely plotted storyline makes for a suspenseful read. Every plot point feels as if it is being revealed at precisely the right moment. Winn's word choice makes for a joyful ride through unexpectedly dark terrain."

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE.  

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

FOLLOW her on Twitter, Facebook, and CF_Winn on Instagram.