KISSING FROGS

I’ve kissed my fair share of frogs in this lifetime. I believe that our experiences shape us no matter the quality of those experiences. And I believe that experience is part of the reason why we are here. In response to my beliefs, the Universe has given me what I've asked for. My cup runneth over with romantic experience, but I’m absolutely parched when it comes to quality.  

My life is full. Some consider it full of chaos, but I consider it colorful. I’ve got tons of stories to tell, and my audience's reactions make the stories so much better. They usually laugh, and they openly tell me that they're not sure that what I’m saying is true. They say some things are so crazy that it makes me an unreliable narrator.

I get it. I do. Sometimes, even I have to step back and wonder if I dreamed it, made it up to make myself sound more interesting, or if I really allowed myself to step into these situations and hold myself there till they played themselves out.

I’ve run the gamut: There was the guy who had a secret family, the one who tried to blow up his school, and there was the tough guy who wouldn’t let me break up with him. I still chuckle when I think of how I let that one get away.

Doug was an ex-corrections officer who retired from jail life and started his own security company. He specifically went after low risk jobs and managed to build a successful business. It went well until he got caught napping while working a sweet sixteen party. Word got out that he was not really securing anything at the events he was hired for, and he dissolved his business. After calling in a bunch of favors, he invested in a case of No-Doze and got hired as an employee by another security company. Then he met me.

On the outside, he was beautiful to look at; tall, muscular, chiseled face, and exactly the right amount of facial hair to interest me. But inside, the book did not match the cover. Inside, he was an old, crotchety, neurotic mess. He complained of back pain, he was always tired, and every time we had dinner, went out to lunch, or did anything with a price tag, he made sure to tell me exactly how much everything cost. He wouldn't allow me to pay for anything, but I did pay. I paid every single time the server cleared our plates. Dessert was served with a side of what felt like guilt. First Doug would sigh. That was the warning shot. Then he'd lean in as if I was his friend. As if we hadn't only been on a few dates that had all gone exactly the same way. "CF", he'd say, "I live way beyond my means.”

He drove a car so fancy that only Doug and people who love cars would care about what model it was. I have never been that person, but I am a person who appreciates a pretty blue color and riding with the top down. I hated when Doug would stop for gas, but it felt like every time he picked me up, he also needed gas. We'd pull into the station and he'd say, "Look at them, looking at the car." Then, at the pump, an attendant would step up, smile, and compliment the car. The top was down, so he could pump the gas and talk to us at the same time. "This is a great car, sir."

Doug would smile and say, "Yeah. She's pretty." Then he'd hand over the money and turn the key. We would not even have pulled away before he'd say, "They all want this car. They're all jealous."  He had no inside voice, and I'd sink down in the seat when the attendant who had been very polite, would turn to look because he'd heard Doug's remarks. Finally, we'd leave, and Doug would say, "I can't afford it, but I'm not selling it." *sigh* "CF, I live way beyond my means."

I was patient for three months and a dozen or so dates. I thought what my generation was taught to think, he will change, he will do it for me. It took me a minute to realize that none of his problems were my problems, and that I didn't even like him enough to care if he ever changed. I finally grew tired of his complaining, and I tried to end things, but it didn't go well.

Me: "Doug, I don’t think we should see each other anymore."
Doug: "Why not?"
Me: "Because I don’t want to."                                                     

Doug: "Are you on your period?"
Me: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Doug: "You women are not in your right minds when you’re on your period. I’ll talk to you in a week. Will that be long enough?"
Me: "No, absolutely not."
Doug: "Are you serious? You bleed for longer than a week? You should get that checked out. That and your irritability."
Me: "No Doug, I mean I don't want to talk to you in a week. I don’t want to talk to you at all anymore. You're so rude."
Doug: "Sweetheart, sweetheart, calm down…see? You’re all upset because you’re on your period. We’ll talk another time, when you’re better."

Me (yelling): "I do not have my period, and I’m not sick! I don’t like you! This is over!"
Doug: "It’s ok. I understand. Just give me a call when everything has calmed down."

I hung up on him.

A month later I got an email that said: "Sweetheart, do you miss me?"
I deleted it.

I thought I'd learned my lesson. I even gave Doug credit for it. I certainly learned something, but not enough not to kiss a few more frogs since then. 

Cheers to all the men who have kept me from being bored by the same old flowers and candy routine. When I release book five of the Coffee Break Series, some of them might recognize themselves in the pages of DEJA DREW, the story of several dating disasters all centered around three guys with the same name, Drew. When one poor woman experiences problems with men over and over. So many of us have been there, haven't we?

In the meantime, answer me this, is it worth it to take dating chances for the experience? Or because he could be Mr. Something Special? Or do you avoid it all together because you're convinced that you’re better off staying out of the shallow end of the dating pool?

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of shorter novels that are meant to be read while on a lunch break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

The BOOKLIFE PRIZE (a division of Publisher's Weekly) has praised CF WINN's MOORE THAN MEETS THE EYE: "This novel is a unique and original storyline that readers will likely find much enjoyment in. Winn's fiercely plotted storyline makes for a suspenseful read. Every plot point feels as if it is being revealed at precisely the right moment. Winn's word choice makes for a joyful ride through unexpectedly dark terrain."

CF Winn's blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

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