Thursday, October 31, 2013

Top 10 Scariest Places To Be

Halloween is almost here, so the usual images of grimacing pumpkins, witches, gushing blood and ghosts easily spring to mind. These ideas of scary are what make the holiday fun, but they are not real and we know that once the trick-or-treaters retire for the night, we can put on our sweats and begin the second best thing about Halloween -- the pig out. 

However, fear is alive and well all year long, causing the stomachs of even the most calm personalities to lurch from time to time. Sometimes the scariest place you can be is in your own life when out of nowhere, horror comes at you.

Think about it. You shake, you sweat, your blood runs cold, and at that moment, you realize that sometimes a zombie trying to eat your face doesn't seem so bad. 

I have compiled a list of some of these moments. While I'm sure that Alexander Hamilton was referring to guns, oftentimes hindsight gained from the experience of others (and in the form of a list) is the most powerful weapon:

"The best we can hope for concerning the people at large, is that they are properly armed." -- Alexander Hamilton

10.  At a Halloween Party with Kanye West after winning "Best Costume". You are trying to say thank you to everyone for voting for your "Taylor Swift Wins a Grammy" outfit, when you see a large shadow creeping up from behind.

9.  In the kitchen of a woman who just bought $200 worth of milk and groceries at the same moment you hear that the "Storm of the Century" has just changed direction and you will be spared the three feet of snow you were originally promised. Your sigh of relief is drowned out by a blood curdling scream and loud banging.

8.  At the punch bowl at the end of the day, after being chewed out at work and dumped by your girlfriend in front of everyone at the party. You're lifting your glass to your lips and thinking, "At least I can numb the pain", when you hear that the host has decided that after twelve years, he's making a fresh start as a sober man and your "punch" is truly just Hawaiian.

7.  In your own head when after listening to:
Uncle: "What did you wear to Comic Con?"
Nephew: "Dr. Who."
Uncle: "Who is Dr. Who?"                                            
Nephew: "No. Who is The Doctor."
Uncle: "That's what I asked. Who is Dr. Who?"
Nephew (shaking head in disgust) "No. Stop it. Who is The Doctor."

Round and round, till you realize that that conversation is the modern version of "Who's On First". You shudder at the thought that not only are you old enough to recognize it, but you could recite it back for clarification.

6.  At Starbucks. In the drive-thru behind eight cars because you were too lazy to park and walk three feet into the shop. And they just ran out of espresso. Who knew that caffeine deprivation could wake the walking dead?

5.  In front of any small child in the seasonal section of Target when his mom's battery dies on her iPhone. His favorite game has disappeared from the screen and Mom has forgotten the emergency supply of french fries to stuff in his mouth when he starts whimpering, then whining, then shrieking... #MakeItStop

4.  At the same costume party as Miley Cyrus. She's twerking six feet away from you...and you came as a sledgehammer. 

3.  In a New Mexico desert outside of a battered RV after seeing a tweet that claims that "Science is cool if you do it right! #ChemistryClub. Five cars with armed men surround you. As your bladder lets go, you find out that the tweeter, @WW thought that hashtagging Breaking Bad might alert the NSA.

2.  Standing in front of a white van with its back doors open. After several attempts to get your kids off the playground, you sigh, finally resort to bribery, and yell, "Kids! C'mon! I've got candy over here! Let's go!"

1.  On social media while Mercury is in retrograde and everyone's a bit cray cray about politics. C'mon people! Let's get it together! Sometimes a Teabagger is just a guy who shouldn't be sitting on the good couch.

 CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

 You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.
CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now:


Larry Cheeto said...

Ohhh boy. You really compiled a list here. Screaming kids, Kanye, Miley, virgin Hawaiian punch. I was just writing my next blog post on fear and realized I hadn't scratched the surface of what truly terrifies me. Thanks for more insomnia. Thanks alot.

CF Winn said...

No problem. That's what I'm here for: Terrifying the bejeesus out of insomniacs one unnecessary list at a time...

Lidy said...

You have some scary moments. But my favorites are #10, #9, #5 and #2. And oh #5 is the worse. I know I was a kid once but how do they get their voices to get so high, blood curdling like that? Please #MakeItStop. But then it's also a scary moment for my kids, because I'll look at them and say they better not EVER do something like that.

CF Winn said...

Yeah that #5 is something else. I've been in close proximity to #5 more times than I care to admit. Thanks for reading!