Monday, September 9, 2013

12 Mains That #MileyMakesOutWith

Don't be surprised if in updated versions of Trivial Pursuit, questions about this year's VMA's abound in the Entertainment Category. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked to learn that they added a new grouping of "Most Distasteful News Items". 

Everyone is going crazy because Miley Cyrus seems to have grown out of her Disney pants. After what I've seen, I'm happy that she wearing any at all. 

Her costumes and antics are like the sideshow at a circus...she's the ringleader, all decked out in ponytails not seen since the 90's rave scene, when wearing Hello Kitty tees meant they were serving up an extra shot of love with your ecstasy hits. She surrounds herself with twerking dwarves, partygoers working the "lines" in the bathroom, and inanimate objects of her affection: things like giant Teddy Bears riding her back and sledgehammers, and still we can't help but watch.

Back in the day, the Bearded Lady and Siamese Twins were considered repulsive, but crowds flocked to the canvas tents and offered up pennies in the hopes of gaining admittance anyway.

Since then, electrolysis and surgery to separate conjoined twins have become commonplace, and we've gradually turned to outlandish behavior for our entertainment. 

In the past, posing nude for Playboy was all the scandal, but once we adapted, we grew bored and attacking the paparazzi became the new sideshow. People like Chris Brown pushed the envelope with his anger management issues, but he opened up the door for reality shows to come busting through. "The Real Housewives of Wherever Seems The Most Volatile And Able To Get Us Ratings" and "The Jersey Shore" took us to a new high (low?) and thanks to them, kids everywhere are now fluent in a new kind of coordination: being able throw trash talk and fists at the same time.

The subjects have become more attractive, but their actions and vocabulary have become more and more cray. While we say we're turned off by it all, we can't help but search and click and then talk it to death even though our brains are bleeding and screaming for stimulation of a different sort.

I am no exception and Mylie Cyrus knows it. She wags her tongue at the camera, and I'm sure she's mocking me, challenging me to write it down, in order to keep the public talking about her. Tweeps have begun asking all Barbies that have felt victimized by Mylie Cyrus to raise their hands. 

Damn, she's good...

Without further ado, I bring you the topic of the day, not only in list form, but hashtagged for your posting convenience:


1.Madonna because "a Britney song was on"
2.Amanda Bynes because "there's a voice inside my head"
3.Snooki because when I'm with her and there's "red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere" soon "all I see are stilettos"
4.Smurfs because "we can make some magic"
5.Kim Kardashian because I got a thing for "home girls here with the big butt"
6.A Sledgehammer because "nobody's perfect, I gotta work it, again and again, 'til I get it right"
7.Taylor Swift because we both "go through guys like money
flyin' out the hands"
8.Kim Jong Un because "I never meant to start a war"
9.Anthony Weiner because he's "so hard with my girls"
10.The Twerking Dwarf because even though "you'll never reach it, it's all about the climb"
11.Loco Hot Cocoa because dang flabbit, even though " I can get a bit crazy" I love "getting turned up"
12.Liam Hemsworth because whether or not it's true, "It's my mouth, I can say what I want to"

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor. 

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now:


Val McKenna said...

As usual, CF Winn takes what is happening in the world and turns it into sattire. Love her writing style and can't wait for the next book!!!

CF Winn said...

Much love to my biggest fan!