Sunday, August 25, 2013

Burt Jenner?? Who The Hell Is That?

Before a few days ago, I had never heard of Burt Jenner.

My dream is to wake up one day and discover that my biggest worry is, should I get the grande or the venti coffee today? My house would be cleaned for me, my meals would be prepared by the finest chef, and I'd have a personal butler to not only fetch my Starbucks, but to dress up in costume and act out the main characters from my books for flow. I'm slowly working up to that, but in the meantime, I live through others. 

Why hate on the Kardashians?

There are so many people that take pleasure in making fun of reality TV royalty,
There's just not enough Burt Jenner on reality TV.
but the Kardashians have the right idea - they love dressing up, looking pretty, shopping, eating out, and making money while doing all of it. 

Every day, they get to do just that. They are the perfect example of live it and it will come. Those that criticize just don't get it, but that's ok, that's their journey to take.

Tease me all you want, but every week, I can't wait to sink into the couch and soak up their essence - do what you love and get paid for it. My girls and I look forward to finding out who's giving birth next, and now that the Todd Kraines pranks are over, we'll miss crying from laughing so hard.

We live for the drama of the rich and famous.

Recently, the big controversy was about whether or not to install a putting green for Bruce on the Jenner Compound. A big meeting was called, and a vote was taken. Kylie and Kendall were noticeably absent from the pow wow, but when a hand popped up from behind the carafe of chardonnay, the viewers knew there was a new Jenner in town. 

Since then, it's been like playing Where's Waldo with Burt Jenner, the newest member of the fam. His head (is he bald? is he dirty blond?) is barely visible from behind the potted plant, and I wonder if it's just my imagination till the sighting is confirmed when he walks into the kitchen and hugs (one of) his sisters.

After I realized that Burt Jenner was in fact a family member and not part of the film crew, a few questions began to gnaw at me:

1. Why was he allowed to have a vote in a situation that could cause a marital rift, but he was not invited on the Family Vaca in Greece? Brody. Dude. You got there. Stop whining already.

2. What are the chances that Kris AND Bruce both named all of their kids (except for ones of the opposite sex-Cassandra and Rob) with their first initial THEN met each other years later??

and most importantly,

3. Why is Burt Jenner suddenly on camera? Did he come forward one day and say, "Hey Dad and Step-Mom#2, as much as I hate the paparazzi, I think it's time I started earning my keep." 

Awkward pause. 

"And, uh, the steel mill closed down, so my Harley payments are becoming a problem. $25,000 an episode could really turn things around for me. That's what Kourtney's kids get, right?" 

Will his sister, Casey, her husband, and their offspring be part of the spin off Ryan Seacrest and Kris Jenner could potentially produce if Burt is a hit? 

Hey! Burt Jenner is ready for his closeup!

"BEING BURT JENNER" could take place in Bora-Bora where he runs a bike/rum shop. Periodically, Casey and her family can visit to criticize his inventory and set-up, and if the ratings are really low, Mason, Penelope, and North can fly over and show the step-cousins how swag is done.

I'm sure that time and Momager, Kris Jenner, will decide Burt's fate. It's not so crazy to assume that he could make it in this business. After all, step-bros, Brandon and Brody were no strangers to reality TV before they were invited to publicly come out with the Kardashians. And Brody probably temporarily landed Avril Lavigne because of it. 

Now if I could just stop calling him Burt Kardashian...or does it even matter?

Pictures used with permission from Microsoft

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.


Stephanie Neighbour said...

Who is Burt're right!? Lol Laurie's kids are obsessed with this show and yes, there does seem to be new faces, or at least partial faces, showing up. I only watch it when the girls tie me to the couch and force feed me the episodes. I hope you'll keep me in the loop if he does open a Harley shop, I could use a new one. Great read.:-)

Christina Fifield-Winn said...

Laurie's kids are ok in my book. Tell them they'll get further with Starbucks than force, then you'll all win. I absolutely love this show because I can't get over how they allow the good stuff to just keep coming although they bitch at each other all day long. You'll be the first to know about Burt if he tries to go independent... glad that you read this right after telling me that you were over anything Kardashian...that's loyalty.

Keisha | The Girl Next Door is Black said...

"Being Burt Jenner" hahaha

CF Winn said...

I know, right? As if Kris and the girls would let that happen without first opening a pop-up Dash store next to the bike shop.