Thursday, October 25, 2012

KISSING FROGS

I’ve kissed my fair share of frogs in this lifetime. I’ve always been one of those girls who prefer experience over quality, and the Universe has certainly given me what I've asked for. My cup runneth over with experience, but I’m absolutely parched when it comes to quality… or am I? 


When I think about the stories I’ve been able to tell because of my encounters, I stand back and pause as my audience cracks up - they're not sure about whether what I’m saying is true or not - and it’s kind of hard not to consider the full (of chaos) life I lead.

I’ve run the gamut: There was the guy who had a learning disability, the one who died twice, (but obviously made it back in time to catch a movie with me) and then there was the tough guy who wouldn’t let me break up with him…and I'm still shaking my head about how I let that one get away:

Doug was an ex-Corrections Officer who decided to retire from the jails and get into security. His career change went well until the night he was almost fired when he fell asleep at a sweet sixteen. After investing in a case of No-Doze, he met me.

On the outside, he was beautiful to look at; tall, muscular, chiseled face, and exactly the right amount of facial hair to make me tingle. But inside, he was an old, crotchety, neurotic mess. He complained of back pain, was obviously inflicted with a touch of narcolepsy, and had an annoying habit of having to tell me exactly how much every dinner we had cost. Once the server had cleared our plates and was fetching our dessert, he’d confide in me, “Christina, *sigh* I live WAY beyond my means…”

Guilt much??

When I finally grew tired of his incessant complaining, I broke up with him…well…I tried to anyway:

Me: "Doug I don’t think we should see each other anymore."
Doug: "Why not?"
Me: "Because I don’t want to."                                                     

Doug: "Are you on your period?"
Me: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Doug: "You women are not in your right minds when you’re on your period. I’ll talk to you in a week. Will that be long enough?"
Me: "No, absolutely not."
Doug: "Are you serious? You bleed for longer than a week?? You should get that checked out. And while you’re at it, see if the doctor can give you a pill for your irritability."
Me (extremely annoyed): "No Doug, it’s not long enough because I don’t want to talk to you at all! Listen to yourself! You’re rude, you’re insulting…"
Doug (cutting me off): "Sweetheart, sweetheart…calm down…see? You’re all upset because you’re on your period. We’ll talk another time…when you’re better."
Me (yelling): "I do not have my period, and I’m not sick! I just don’t like you very much and I want to break up!"
Doug: "It’s ok…I understand. Just give me a call when everything’s calmed down."

I hung up on him.

A month later I got an email that said: "Sweetheart, do you miss me?"
DELETE

Since then, I’ve dated more than my fair share of Prince Stupids. It got so bad that I had to write DEJA DREW, the fourth installment in my Coffee Break Series. In the middle of several dating disasters sits three guys named Drew - find out what it's like to experience the same problem...over and over...
 
*CHEERS* to all of the men who have kept me from being bored by the same old flowers and candy routine…

Grab DEJA DREW while you can and decide for yourself: Are you missing out on something special, or will this story convince you that you’re better off staying out of the shallow end of the dating pool?





More posts like this by CF Winn: http://simplystick.blogspot.com/2013/01/honesty-is-best-policy-and-other.html

 CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI,is published by Shorehouse Books and has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

You can now order SUKI in paperback on Amazon or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE http://www.bookrevue.com/localauthors.html

2 comments:

Stacey Roberts said...

The Jedi mind trick - finally useful - "you're not breaking up with me. You're suffering from the woman's curse." Hilarious. Too often past relationships and how they ended are a source of sadness. Eventually, one can find the humor. I'm so glad you went and excavated it for us! Your comedic genius is this: not only can I picture that scene, but the more I do, the funnier it gets.

Terry Tyler said...

Hilarious!!!!!! :)

Can I just say I had a great deal of trouble reading all this? When I tried to scroll down, black bits kept leaping out of the side and hiding the scroll bar so I couldn't go down. The only way I could get to do so was to go onto another page, then click back to this one. I don't know if it's just me, or if the site is hard to navigate round; might be worth looking at if the latter!! I'll tweet this article later, it's very funny