Saturday, September 30, 2017

The Ten Commandments of Being a Hot Mess

There's a delicate balance between being a disaster and being so fascinating that mere mortals stare at you the same way they stare at horrific car crashes. With great mess comes seemingly legit reasons why life throws you curve balls--as well as a set of rules to blame it all on.

1. Thou Shalt Keep Thy Identity A Secret--mostly from yourself. As you walk down the street with your shirt unknowingly tucked into your underwear, you shake your ass, believing wholeheartedly that the looks you are getting are because you're having a "sexy day".

2. Thou Shalt Always Spend Thy Last Two Hundred Dollars--on things like a treadmill because your health should be a priority. And the purchase should be timed perfectly--on the same day that your car breaks down and you wind up walking to work for the next two weeks.

3. Thou Shalt Pick The Most Wrong Guys To Date--like the one who lives with his mom. The one who lives with his mom and spends most of his time in his man cave in the basement. The one who lives with his mom and spends most of his time in his "man cave" in the basement where he receives special deliveries in plain brown packages with air holes. The one who lives with his mom and spends most of his time in his "man cave" in the basement where he receives special deliveries in plain brown packages with air holes that you overlook because you think his love of animals is such a sweet quality.

4. Thou Shalt Never Know When To Stop Talking--and because it is so important to fill the silence, it's too late when you realize that the story about the condom that got stuck in your vagina sounded way cuter in your head.

5. Thou Shalt Not Try To Change--for it will all be in vain. Consider yourself branded. The same way your lower back is permanently scarred after that "magical" night with Raul.

6. Thou Shalt Not Lie--since your every day stories are so insane that no one believes you anyway. Like the day that your ex-boyfriend, the one who still lives in his mom's basement, came to visit you with his new wife--the ferret he left you for.

7. Thou Shalt Always Make The Wrong Decision Even If It Feels Right--like the time you turned off your heat to save money and bundled up in sweaters and blankets instead. You told yourself that you're tough enough to stick it out and besides, shivering burns calories. You repeated your mantra through chattering teeth right before your pipes froze. Then burst.

8. Thou Shalt Wait Till The Last Minute--to do everything. While you were cleaning up the mess your broken pipes left, you missed your student loan deadline.

9. Thou Shalt Have The Same Tragedies Smite You Again And Again--like the flat tires you get at least once a month. You only drive ten miles a week, but the local repair shop has issued you a rewards card--for every five repairs or new tires bought, you get one free. You've redeemed four cards this year.

10. Thou Shalt Have No Idea That Your Life Is Any Messier Than Anyone Else's--till the day you face the truth. And so you embrace your identity, holding your Hot Mess Members Card high, in your freshly manicured fingers--that you smeared on the way out of the salon. Just as they were closing.

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.  

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