CUT THE CRAPISMS: Parenting 101

 

I consider myself a good mom and an effective parent.

I've never gotten a call from the school or police department that went like this:

Official: "Are you the parent of (insert name of hoodlum here) ??"
Me: "Well that depends. If (insert name of hoodlum here) has found a cure for cancer or eliminated our national debt, then yes. Absolutely. Every last cell and DNA strand is mine."
Official: "We really need you to come and pick up your kid. And please speed. All tickets will be forgiven."
Me: "Really? All tickets, huh? Will you also throw in the ones I got last month? I mean, the light was really in between yellow and red. More of a light amber..."
Official: "And on the way, consider where else you might want to live...that is if you are not anything like what you spit out of your body and you actually have a heart."
Me: "I don't know who you're talking about. That noise you hear in the background is my kids straightening their rooms and making sure their laundry is right side out. No thank you. Please don't call here again." (hangs up phone and turns it off)

iMOM should love me.

I think it might be my parenting techniques. I believe the best life lessons are learned when we suffer the natural consequences of our actions. I call it Karma. 

And I'm a tough love kinda girl—I'm always up for getting back at the little monster that took the last ice cream sandwich without asking first.

Ever since my kids were little, I have spoken to them like the selfish ego maniacs they were destined to become after being exposed to society and reality TV. 

My tactics have served us all well, especially now that my kids are approaching adulthood. It won't be long before they have spawn of their own. 

I have road tested my theories, and society has slapped their seal of approval on them, so I can confidently share my wealth of knowledge with anyone who is interested in raising young adults who prefer to wear underwear in public.

These little nuggets of wisdom that I bestowed on my kids were not only life changing for them, but they also provided entertainment for me on days when it seemed like my only friends were Kamikaze shots and earplugs.

1. Kid (screaming): "No! I don't want to!"

Mom: "I totally get it. That's how I feel when I wake up in the morning and have to go to work to put a roof over your head and food in your mouth. So, why don't we agree to save us both some time and energy? Instead of carrying on like that, just tell me, 'Mom, please punish me now.'"

2. Kid (screaming): "I hate you!"

Mom: "Nope. I asked ten of my closest friends and they said that it is impossible to hate me. So when you go to your room to think about all of the things you've done wrong here, you can add lying to the list."

3. Kid: "Mom, you have to let me grow up. Soon I'll even be driving."

Mom: "Let me get this straight.You want me to let you be in charge of thousands of  pounds of steel on the same streets where innocents walk. Yet, when I complain that you aren't even responsible enough to put your empty glass in the dishwasher, your answer is, 'But Mom, you didn't tell me to put it in there?'"

4. Kid (texting and not getting ready to leave the house): "Mom! Stop rushing me!"

Mom (speaking into an imaginary TV monitor): "Drugs dull kids' brains so much that they can't focus and they slow down. For the folks at home, this is why kids should not do drugs. Cell phones are a much cheaper option."

5. Mom: "Do you know kids that send nude pictures of themselves to other people?"

Kid (rolling her eyes): "Yes Mom, so many kids do that."

Mom: "Really? So that's what we're doing now? Well hey. That could really work out for some of them. Since employers use the internet to check up on potential new hires, Nude Middle School Selfie on their resume might be the most appealing thing about them..."

6. Kid: "Mom! You think you know everything, but you don't! Times have changed since you were a kid, so shut up already!"

Mom: "I'm sorry. I could not understand one word you just said because I don't speak Rude. However, if I did, my response would be something like, 'You'd better get fluent in the language of Parental Respect in about five seconds or I'm going to knock your ass right into a place the natives like to call Haven't Seen The Light Of Day Since I Stupidly Sassed My Awesomely Perfect Mother.'"

Please share your most effective Cut The Crapisms with me. I'm totally open to finding new ways of instilling life lessons and fear in the ones I love.

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a quirky group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States. 

You can now order SUKI in paperback at http://hopress-shorehousebooks.com/cf-winn/  or at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at info@bookrevue.com Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE. 

Her blogs have been syndicated on multiple sites including The Masquerade Crew. More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor. 

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