Friday, March 21, 2014

Silence Is Golden...Unless It's Bronze

When I was a budding high school actress, the director would tell us to project our voices. Little did I know that the ability to turn up the volume would qualify me for the Frustrated Moms Event in the Family Olympics, and I'd be up against Deaf Ears.  

Deaf Ears is a complicated skill that can be a strong weapon in the fight against parental discipline. Each of my children have fine tuned their abilities with a giftedness not often seen in the eighteen and under category:

Bella the self proclaimed non-academic, cleverly denies:

Mom (passive aggressively slamming cabinet doors and yelling): "Why is it so difficult to take out the trash? Bella, get over here and do it. The TV will still be there when you get done."

Mom allows for a full minute of nothing, knowing that there is buffer time between being told to do something and actually giving in to doing it.


Mom (just as loudly): "Bella! Are you kidding me? Let's go!"
Bella (sometimes the hard of hearing will speak loudly also): "What? I didn't hear you! (in the room adjacent to the kitchen) And why do I have to take out the garbage? I empty it EVERY TIME!"

Max wants to do the right thing, but too much stimulation automatically flips his Deaf Ears switch to ON:     

Mom (wearily): "Max pleeeaassse clean up your dishes from the table. You finished eating a half hour ago."
Max: "Oh I'm sorry. Ok I'll be right there. I just have to find a place to put my art so it can dry and then I have to switch the song that I'm listening to."

Silence as the music changes. Then it changes again. Soon, a third song starts.

Mom: "Max! Hello? You're killing me here!"
Max: "OMG Mom! You know I can only handle one thing at a time. When you give me a list of things to do, I shut down and stop listening!"

Ali is the master of disguise, never letting on that she, in fact, does NOT possess Deaf Ears until the very last minute, when it's too late and you've already been sucked in:

Mom (passive aggressively banging pots and yelling): "I want these pots cleaned now! I'm not the maid! This is crazy!"
Ali, in the next room, stares silently at the TV, seemingly deaf and unaffected by the rant.
Mom (infuriated): " God forbid anyone get up and help me even though I'm yelling like a lunatic!"
Ali: "I was just waiting for you to finish shouting so I could do it. You get mad if we interrupt you."

And the gold medal goes to .....

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hysterical group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.  

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE. 

More posts like these can be found at Humor Outcasts and The Patch where she is a regular contributor.

CF Winn is the founder of Winning! Publications, a firm specializing in editing and promotion services for authors. Her latest project is the just released Trailer Trash, With a Girl’s Name, a hilarious and heartwarming story of a boy saddled with a girl’s name and forced into a nomadic existence. Order it now:


Journey McGuire said...

Oh yeah...I do believe I have an Ali...
But also, the good thing about only having one is there's no one else to fight with about taking out the trash. He knows he's screwed.

CF Winn said...

Good point...he should be begging for a sibling before you have him cleaning toilets...