Saturday, January 26, 2013

Honesty is the Best Policy and Other Mistruths

Some people love the roller coaster ride that comes with being dishonest. Others say that lying makes them feel powerful; that they have control over something in their lives.

I lived with ("lived with" is used loosely here and you'll see why in a moment)a guy who told me something that I will never forget:

"If you can picture their face, and feel the hurt of your loved one at the moment they find out that you've lied to them (before you do the lying), you'd probably never do anything to betray them ever."

Great advice and words I have lived by for a long time...of course, this wisdom came from the father of two of my children; a man who spent only half of each year in our home because he had another family somewhere else. I found that information out in year FIVE of our relationship.

How does someone hide something like that and how did he maintain enough stamina for TWO women and FOUR kids? Call me lazy, but...

After I dumped him, I took comfort in knowing that at least I could cross off "my life is a made-for-TV-movie" from my bucket list....

I lived with another guy who hid the fact that he was bipolar till after I gave birth to his daughter. I had no say in whether or not to bring a child into the world who could potentially inherit the same disorder. He used to cry in the bathroom for long periods of time and cover up by telling me that he "shouldn't have eaten all of that Mexican food."

Dude, thirty minutes ago, at dinner, you wolfed down a bowl full of RAVIOLI...

I Feng Shui'ed my house...I'd heard amazing stories of rebirth and transformation and I was desperate to break the curse. Six jade elephants and several furniture moves later, it occurred to me that maybe if I put a lamp in the truth sector of the Bagua, my Chi would flow freely, I'd meet an honest mate, and authenticity would rule forever more!

Who knew it would work??

I met him. The ONE. HONESTLY, he was a little rough around the edges. He was a bad boy with a past, but what won me over was that he accepted responsibility for his mistakes and knew he could not repeat them. Of course, his smile and his sexiness didn't hurt either!

He was sweet and loving. I was cuddled and kissed and romanced. He promised me I'd never, ever go through any of that BS again. That all I could expect was pampering and fun. He had been forthcoming about his checkered history, so why wouldn't I believe him? And it was great, until he became depressed and began drinking heavily.

A few incidents later we agreed that he had a drinking problem and he stopped...just like that.

I thought, "Whew! This was just a hiccup! Good thing we made that discovery," nipped it in the bud", (he loves cliches) and avoided a bigger problem!"

And all was well until the day I disagreed....

I probably didn't like...well it could have been almost anything...the problem ultimately became that I had opinions...strong opinions...about child rearing, treating other people get the idea.

But I'm a blogger! We're supposed to have big thoughts or we have nothing to write about!

Rage ruled my home for a few years...the high of my day would be avoiding being told that I was the reason he got mad, and the low was being unsuccessful at avoiding being told that I was the reason he yelled... while he jumped out of my moving car just to get away from me.

Well at least I knew what was going on....until he started drinking out of his trunk. Apparently, I drove him to the driveway. The neighbors knew, so I guess there was some truthfulness to what he was doing. One day, after listening to him slur his words and watching him trip over things for hours, I had to be the suspicious partner outside at midnight with a flashlight, digging the empties out from under the spare tire...probably my low for that day.

Although it's been hard at times, I have opted for "the road less traveled" (CHEERS!)and been frightfully honest. I find that it's simple, clean, and easy. Once I rip that band aid off, my job is done and I can deal with what comes next.

Anne Frank said, "Whoever is happy, makes others happy too." I wish that I could substitute the word "honest" and it would be the norm. I look at truthful people and think that goodness just exudes from them...I even catch myself wishing I was them...not ever accepting that we really are very much alike.

I still haven't mastered the art of choosing a mate wisely, but no worries...I've got self blame down for sure...

From Steve's Cliche List (

"Don't burn your bridges"...nope THAT'S not it
"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"...nope, uh, uh...don't think so

Oh, here it is...


"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick" it Steve? Is it really??

CF Winn is the award-winning author of The COFFEE BREAK SERIES, a hilarious group of short stories meant to be read while on break or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. Her first novella, SUKI, has been grabbing hearts and hugging souls all over the United States.

You can now order SUKI in paperback at BOOK REVUE, one of the nation’s largest independent bookstores, by email at or by calling (631) 271-1442.
Learn more about SUKI at BOOK REVUE


Larry Cheeto said...

Wait, did I write this and you stole it off my computer? Because I swear this is the first 3/4 of my life story. OK. Not true. Yours is worse. But I did have a crazy ex husband who thought we had a goat named Leland and that the government was watching us out of our VCR. That must count for something.
You crack me up. I just love it!

CF Winn said...

It will count for something when we start rounding them up. I wonder what charred, useless ass smells like?

Keisha | The Girl Next Door is Black said...

You have been through a lot! Good for you coming out of it with a different perspective.

I've never heard the idea that some people lie because it makes them feel powerful, but that makes sense.

Great post - I enjoyed reading your big blogger ideas. :)

CF Winn said...

Aww Keisha. Thank you for reading and commenting with such kind words. I never thought about the power behind lies either until my ex-husband enlightened me about why he did what he did.
If nothing else, these guys taught me:
1. How not to be
2. How a dysfunctional mind works
3. That honesty really is the best and least stressful policy